I Hate It When She’s Right.

posted on 02/06/2013 by 9 Comments

 

A lot of times, by the end of the day, I am just so tired of my kids.

Really?  They’re still so little and cute.  Neither of them are over five… I mean, don’t get tired of them yet – they’ll be around for a long time.  Besides, you love them, right?

Of course I love them.  I also love ice cream… but if ice cream is shoved in my face for twelve hours straight, I sure as hell may get tired of it.

Well, ice cream is a treat – one that has way too much sugar anyway.  No one gets an ice cream cone thinking that cone is going to last them the rest of their lives.  I’m pretty sure you knew kids were going to be a lifetime commitment before you had them.

Well, ‘meow meow hiss hiss’.  I just mean it’s hard to never have a break.  Don’t you want a break sometimes?  Don’t you need to breathe?

My children are a part of me.  That would be like wanting a break from my left arm.

Sounds okay to me.  My left arm is a nuisance.  I have this almost-frozen-shoulder thing, and a tennis elbow thing going on from holding a kid on my left hip for the PAST FOUR YEARS.

But someday they will be too big to hold…

Admit it – you wish you could piss without a little person staring at you!

Well, that’s how they eventually learn to go to the potty-

A SHOWER!  I know you want a stinking shower by yourself – or at least one that lasts longer than two minutes.  What about everyday – don’t you miss being able to shower EVERY DAY?

Actually, I’m lucky I don’t perspire that much…

Come on!

My kid’s needs have to come first.  They can’t take care of themselves right now.  A little bit of a smelly armpit is a small price to pay.

Well aren’t you mother of the year.

God willing… Look, I understand your frustration.  I’ve heard things get much easier when your youngest is over five.

I’ve heard that too.  Yes, they are adorable, precious, innocent, and whimsical.  They are also irritatingly hard.

Motherhood is all about sacrifice.

I sometimes feel that I’ve sacrificed so much that I’ve lost myself.  I’ve sacrificed my whole being.  Do you ever feel like that?

Of course I’ve lost myself.

What?

That’s what being a good mother is about.  Haven’t you heard the phrase “living for your kids”.  I live to nourish them, teach them, keep them safe… I am their survival…

Okay, okay… yes, of course… kind of…but isn’t a happy mom a better mom?

Well, I suppose it depends on what kind of parent you want to be.

*side eye* What does that mean?

There are parents who will do whatever it takes to raise their children right, and there are those who are… well… lazy… or in your case, maybe just a little bit… selfish…

Selfish!  Who are you to judge…

If you’re getting this upset, it might be because something I’ve said rings true for you.

Bitch, all this condescension and farting of fake rainbows needs to stop.

Clearly this conversation is done.  I’m going to go sit in the lotus position and nurse my baby girl while whispering affirmations in her ear.

Go!  I’m going to run and nurse my baby while I’m on the toilet taking a crap, because neither can wait and I like to be efficient with my time!

Namaste.

Liar.

 

At least 75% of the above argument was had between me and myself.

I won.

 

JenniChiu

posted in I Don't Understand My Brain, Life tagged with , , , , , 9 Comments

Lipstick Days.

posted on 01/22/2013 by 10 Comments

 

I found it rolling around in my makeup drawer, clearly forgotten – at least two years old.  I turned it over and read the label at the bottom.  ”Smitten” was the color.

I don’t wear lipstick.  I never really have.  I could never handle the pressure of having to reapply, and to this day have not found a color that looks better than the color of my own real lips.  It felt foreign to open it up… slowly run it across my lips… I even smelled it.

I heard my son begin to cry in the baby monitor, and cursed myself for the very little amount of writing, or cleaning, or personal grooming, or anything I got done during this hour to myself.  I paused for a second and looked at myself in the mirror.  My lips were smitten but my eyes were dull.  I pulled my hair back into a ponytail, keenly aware that I had no place to go and nothing to look forward to besides the next room to get the baby and to pick up my other son from school.  If I was lucky, I could also fit in a visit to the grocery store.

 

This bout of depression is particularly murky.  I’m not “sad” or “blue”.  I just feel settled into the idea that nothing feels good.  I feel far away from my kids… my husband… my wants… my dreams.  Sometimes I’m angry and resentful… but most of the time I just don’t care.

It’s been a couple weeks in this place.  I know what triggered it, but can’t seem to climb out of it.

I barely had the energy to command my hand to put that tube of lipstick to my face… but I needed it.  It felt slightly weird… and colorful… and frivolous.  It helped for a little while.

The next day I wore a skirt and I went to visit a friend.  That felt good for a little while too.

I know I have good things in my life – my brain knows this.  I know I have a million things to get done.  I know at some point I’ll feel better.

But right now, I can’t see my way to fixing my insides…

a few things on the outside are about all I can muster.

But it’s something…

it’s an attempt…

and I’m talking…

and I’m open to a few more lipstick days to come.

 

JenniChiu

 

 

DiorLipstick.jpg

 

 

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posted in I Don't Understand My Brain, Life tagged with , , , , , , 10 Comments

Cloud Shapes In My Crapper.

posted on 07/26/2012 by 9 Comments

 

One of my favorite things to do is find cloud shapes.

However, I don’t get out much…

So I find them on my bathroom wall.

Our bathroom has that plastered “hard trowel” look to it.  You know, like this:

 

 

On the rare occasion that I get to sit on the crapper alone without interruption, I like to find ways to decompress.

Sometimes when I’m decompressing, I see fun things.

 

Like Casper…

 

or a dog…

 

Even Daffy Duck running away.

 

Cruella DeVille hangs out in my bathroom…

 

and seahorses.

 

The Twitter Fail Whale lives there too…

 

and – oh come on, like you don’t see it.

 

It’s fun the way my brain takes a vacation sometimes.

Like you’ve never taken pictures when you’re sitting on the toilet.

 

PS –  I’d like to thank stress, bad plaster work, and my experimentation with drugs in college for this post.

 

 

 

posted in I Don't Understand My Brain, Life tagged with , , , , , 9 Comments

The altered friendship. Also, weirdos are my muse.

posted on 06/07/2012 by 17 Comments

Rocky swung open his front door and inhaled the warm smell of home.  He removed his blue aviator goggles from atop his head and tossed it onto the coat rack.  He loved this time – the time when the sun was kissing the horizon.  The world outside was quieting, and he poured a snifter of brandy to help him play along.

He settled into his favorite soft chair and slowly munched on a fistful of nuts.  The brandy felt warm in his belly, but a glance at the clock stopped any relaxation in its tracks.  It was 7:04 pm.  He side-eyed the telephone, almost certain it would ring at 7:05 like it had for the past two nights in a row.

Rocky thought of his friend – his best friend in all the world.  He could not comprehend the turn their friendship was taking.  He felt blind sighted.  He felt like the universe was playing a huge practical joke on him.  Only no one was laughing.  If anything, he was scared.

His eyes darted toward the clock.  It still said 7:04.

He grabbed another fistful of nuts and wiped a bead of sweat off his forehead.

He chewed aggressively.

He tapped his foot.

He shook his head saying to himself, “Not tonight.  It’s not going to ring tonight.  It’s all over.  It was all just a bad dream.”

7:05

The ring made him jump.  He spilled his brandy on his arm.  He licked it off.

RING.

He tapped his foot.

RING.

He shook his head.

RING.

Before his left hand could stop it, his right hand picked up the phone and pressed it to his still shaking head.

 

Rocky: (eyes squeezed shut) Hello?

*silence*

Rocky knew it was him.  He knew it would be just like last night, and the night before.  His eyes darted to the window… to the door… to the kitchen.  The sound of his pulse in his ears was making him dizzy, but he couldn’t bring himself to hang up.

Rocky: (in a small voice) Hello.

Bullwinkle: (lowly) What are you wearing?

The end.

*****

Every now and then I write a post to cater to misguided googlers.  This fictional post is dedicated to the weirdo  who was brought to my blog by googling the phrase “dirty moose”.

posted in Featured, I Don't Understand My Brain, Life tagged with , , , , , 17 Comments

I’m pretty sure AT&T is responsible for many deaths.

posted on 05/26/2011 by 28 Comments

The automated voice asked me if the number I was calling from was the number on the account. I said, “no.”

It then told me it could not find that number associated with any account.

“That’s why I said no, dumb ass.” *click*

breathe…

Do over.

The automated voice heard me right the second time, and after punching in my account number I was put on hold for about 5 minutes.

It was during these five minutes that my toddler stopped headbutting me to instead attack me with a Play Doh snake, and force me to eat an imaginary cake with hash browns on top.

Hello, this is Suzie. How can I help you today?

I have a bundle package, and I’d like to cancel our internet and cable while just keeping the phone service.

May I have the account number please.

(You mean the one I just typed in five minutes ago?) Sure, ***-***-****.

Okay, thank you.  Who am I speaking with?

Jennifer.

Thanks Jennifer.  May I ask why you are canceling with us today?

Purely financial reasons.

I actually can’t handle any cancellations, so let me go ahead and transfer you to our cancellations department.

I am then on hold for another ten minutes.  It is at this time that I put my son in his highchair in front of a pile of snacks and turn on his favorite television show.  I’m in it for the long haul.

Good afternoon, this is Gerald. What can I do for you today?

*sigh* I have a bundle package but would like to cancel my internet as well as cable.

I’m sorry to hear that. What is your reason for canceling?

Financial.

Can I have your account number please?

*sigh* ***-***-****

I see you have a bundle package.  I may be able to adjust some of the channels you receive and save you about $10 a month.  Would you be interested in that?

No we’d like to get rid of the cable service all together.

I could take HBO off your package and give you STARZ for free for the first three months.

*eye twitching*  No.  We’re going to go ahead and get rid of all the channels.  We don’t want cable anymore.  Or the internet service.  Just the land line.

Okay, I can take care of that for you.  If you do change your mind, just give us a call.  Would you like the service to be discontinued this week?

Yes please.  Tomorrow if possible.

(from the other room) MA MA! MA MA! MA MA! ALL DONE! GET DOWN! ALL DONE!

Before we do that.  I’ve just gotten permission to give you a five dollar credit on your bill for three months if you keep your cable service.

*slapping my knee repeatedly just for fun*  If I didn’t take the $10 off, why would I want $5 off?

I’ll go ahead and put your request in.

Can you tell me how much just the phone service will be.

I am with the Dish service.  I will cancel your cable service, but will have to transfer you to AT&T so they can handle your internet and phone needs.

Wait, I just talked to AT&T-

I’m put on hold again.  I attempt to crack my knuckles (which I could never do) to prepare myself for yet another round of giving my name, account number, and why I’m fucking calling.  I peek in on Bam Bam and he is physically scooting his entire highchair across the dining room floor.  I run over and release him from his chair jail while handing him two books to keep him busy.

Hello, this is (insert some bland name here).  Thank you for calling AT&T, how can I be of service?

*Taking a ballpoint pen and shoving the tip under my thumbnail as hard as I can.*  I was transferred here from Dish to cancel my internet service.

Can I have your account number please?

Really?  Because I’ve given it at least four times already.

For security purposes I do need your account number.

***-***-****

Thank you.  May I ask why you would like to discontinue your service?

No, you may not.

I’m sorry?  What is the reason you are canceling with us?

The speed sucks.

Let me check and see what we can do…

No.  When we moved here, I was told this speed was all that was offered in our area.  I thought we could deal.  We can’t.  It’s like living in the 1991.  I’d like to cancel.

It looks like that is the only speed that is offered right now in you area…

*Using ballpoint pen to scoop out left eyeball*  RIGHT.  CANCEL IT.  We just want the phone service.  That’s it.   Nothing else.

It looks like you have a bundle package. I can help you with your internet and phone needs, but for the cable service, I’ll have to transfer you to Dish-

NO!  *gnawing the skin on my right shoulder*  I just came from Dish. I just need you to cancel my internet.

Alright, I can do that for you. But before I do that-

No.  *handing my bloody left eyeball to my son to play with*  No need to do anything before… just wanna cancel the service.

I can cancel it for you.  I’d also like to offer you a reduced price by…

*stabbing myself repeatedly in the gut with the fork I used to eat my eggs*  No… ow… thank you… OW!

Alright.  So, you’d like to discontinue your service altogether, am I right?

I no longer want the internet or cable services.  I’d like to keep the phone service.

Okay, no problem.  I just need to transfer you to a manager to verify that you’re canceling with us.

Wait, I’m getting transferred again-

At this point, my son is having a terrific time playing fetch with the dogs and my eyeball.  You would think with all the blood I was losing I wouldn’t be so focused on the fact that I had to pee.

Good afternoon.  This is (manager sounding name), I just need to verify some information with you.  Can I have your account number please?

*knocking my teeth out with the corner of my toaster oven*  It’s ***-***-****!

Thank you.  And I see here that you had a bundle package with us, but would like to cancel?

Yeth.  I want to canthel the internet and cable, but not the phone.  I want the phone in case of emergenthies.

Looks like you’ve been a customer for a while.  We’d love to keep you.  What I can do is offer-

NO THANK YOU!  *drawing pictures of snoopy on my walls with blood*  Just the phone.

Alrighty, we will go ahead and do that for you. And you want to keep the phone service, correct?

I’m tired.

Okay then.  If you do change your mind…

*whimpering on my kitchen floor*  Can you tell me… how much… the monthly payment ith… for jutht the phone thervith?

Sure.  That will be a payment of just $19.95

*gurgle* Juth for local calling? No call waiting.  No three way.  No long dithtanth.

Yes ma’am.  Unlimited local calling.

But… it’s five dollarth on our thtatement.

That’s the price of phone service with a bundle package.  If you’d like to keep your bundle, I can-

*whimper*

You’re set then.  Is there anything else I can help you with today?

I’m dying…

Very good then.  Thank you for calling AT&T.

*****

PS-  At least 48% of the above post actually happened.

 

 

 

posted in I Don't Understand My Brain, Life tagged with , , , 28 Comments
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