The Not-Quite-Fetish I Found While Dusting

posted on 05/17/2013 by 5 Comments

 

“Stupid, effing, Southern California dryness.”

I curse the climate through gritted teeth as I dust my husband’s nightstand for the second time in a week.  The lack of humidity keeps my hair nice, but covers everything in my house with a thin layer of constant dust.  I pass the Swiffer duster over his alarm clock and knock over the President Obama bobble head that is usually kept inside the nightstand drawer.  As I pull the drawer open to toss it in, a ziploc bag catches my eye.  The pure oddness of it’s contents launch an inner dialogue that I have little control over.

What the hell is this?

It looks to be a plastic bag stuffed with dryer lint.

Yeah, I see that.  But what could he possibly be doing with…

It’s clearly some kind of fetish.

What?  That’s ridiculous… and very weird.

Is it?  We really don’t spend a lot of time with him anymore.  Maybe he’s bored.  Maybe he’s lonely…

Well, with the preschooler, the toddler, my writing and speaking engagements, his work, his part time teaching, and his pursuit of another degree… I suppose we are in a bit of a disconnect.

He probably washed all your underwear and now keeps the dryer lint so he can feel close to you.

Oh my God.

Maybe he smells it…

Oh my God.

Whoa, what if it’s not even your lint?

Oh my GOD!

I toss the bag back into the drawer of his nightstand and run into the next room to get the toddler who has just awoken crying from his nap.  As I change a diaper, I vow to ask him about the lint when he gets home.

I have to.

Maybe our marriage is in crisis…

Or maybe he is on the verge of becoming a psycho creep that lurks around public laundry mats.

Lots of people have fetishes.  I’m his wife.  He should feel safe enough to share this with me.  I can deal.  I’ll roll around in dryer lint if it will save my marriage… or his soul… or even if he just thinks it’s sexy.

I pull my toddler into my arms and walk to the kitchen to get a snack.

I can be brave and confront him about this.

I can be open minded and try my best not to sneeze when we open the bag of lint…

As I imagine myself as a linty sex kitten, my son knocks the Cheerios I was holding out of my hand and all over the floor.  My imagination runs constant in the background as we both squat and pick them up one by one, singing the “clean up” song…

and my brow furrows in mild disgust…

and my stomach quivers with nervousness…

tinged with excitement.

***

 

Turns out dryer lint is really good for starting campfires when you’re out in the woods.  My husband is very outdoorsy…

and not a psycho laundry mat lurker.  Turns out though, that I’m possibly pretty creepy.

 

photo (12)

 

 

jenni chiu sig

 

 

 

 

posted in Life tagged with , , , , 5 Comments

Mom 2.0 Summit – How To Be Awkward At a Conference

posted on 05/15/2013 by 15 Comments

 

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You’d never know…

 

 

Two weeks have now past since I attended the Mom 2.0 Summit in Laguna Niguel.  I am still recovering from the whirlwind I returned home to, but I left the conference with a few new tools, feeling inspired, and just as awkward as ever.  I have no problem speaking on a stage to hundreds of people.  I am comfortable in front of a camera.  Put me in a social situation, and I’m a wreck.

How To Be Awkward At a Conference:

  • Develop a mysterious stomach bug as you’re about to board the party bus to your first networking event.  Back away slowly from the people staring at you, and walk quickly to your hotel room while leaning slightly to the left.  Do not answer your phone or re-appear again for at least 16 hours.
  • Laugh at least two decibels too loud when someone makes a joke.
  • Ask if you can join a table at lunch time full of strangers.  Introduce yourself to none of them.
  • Flirt with Ciaran from Momfluential on Instagram while she is sitting right behind you.  When you finally meet her, say “Hi! How are you” and never talk to her again.
  • Run away from Lisa Ling.
  • Say “hi” to people you’d love to have drinks with like Jessica Gottlieb and Cecily Kellog.  Make sure not to invite them to have drinks.
  • Tweet a compliment to  women who have said something on a panel that inspired you or rang true… do it while they are standing two feet away from you.  Make sure not to say anything to them in real life.
  • Wow everyone with your pitch at the HLN/Raising America Shark Tank suite (look for me on the show, hopefully later in the year).  Get immediate green lights across the board, tricking people into thinking you are brilliant and have your shit together.  When someone grabs your arm to tell you how wonderful your pitch was – open your eyes really big, nod, turn slowly, and walk away without saying a word.
  • Smile inhumanly big at people… then disappear a lot.
  • Suggest Shannon @MrLady and Jim @BusyDadBlog hire a hotel babysitter for their 15 year old so they can have some sex.
  • Secretly send Katherine Stone from PostPartum Progress  a direct message asking for help because you are hiding in your hotel room bathroom.
  • Make a video of yourself hiding in your hotel bathroom.
  • Announce really loudly when you have to go to the bathroom.
  • Give your business cards out to tons of people, making sure to announce they might feel warm because they’ve been against your ass in your back pocket all day.

And last but not least…

  • Make sure to wear shoes that give you blisters so you acquire a nice limp.

 

I’m either going to get better at this social stuff or perfect my ability to make a room uncomfortable.  Only time will tell, but I have another conference in July and am already scheduled to go to Atlanta for Mom 2.0 next year.

I did have someone say, “Oh, your Jenni… from MommynaniBooboo… the mythical unicorn of the conference.”

I’ll take it.

Anything is better than “that awkward chick with the warm business cards and the limp”.

 

jenni chiu sig

 

 

 

posted in Life tagged with , , , 15 Comments

Mother To Mother

posted on 05/10/2013 by 5 Comments

 

I remember:

Singing on the walks to preschool.

Gentleness.

Amazing Grace on the guitar.

Playing with fly swatters.

Sleeping with you when Daddy was away.

Sleeping with my head in your lap at church.

You being proud of me.

 

I remember:

Arms around me when I cried.

You listening.

You taking a dance class with me so I would try it.

You quitting after the first two classes, and it becoming my life.

The importance of schoolwork.

Money for every A.

Wearing your clothes.

Honesty.

You being proud of me.

 

I remember:

You playing with my hair.

You apologizing when you were wrong.

Letting me know when I was wrong.

Telling me I could be whatever I wanted to be.

Loving me steadfast.

Admitting when you were disappointed.

Being proud of me.

 

I remember:

Stumbling toward adulthood.

Rolling my eyes.

Wanting to speed from the nest.

Your arms open.

Me walking away.

Being proud of me.

 

Now…

Now I’m proud of you.

You did good.

From one mother to another,

thank you.

I’m a good one…

because you were too.

 

 

jenni chiu sig

* I often wonder how much my boys will someday remember in their heads and how much they will simply feel in their hearts.  I post this every year for my mother, so that neither her nor I forget.

Happy Mother’s Day, Mommy.

 

posted in Life tagged with , , 5 Comments

Moment In The Sun

posted on 05/09/2013 by 4 Comments

 

My 4 days away at a Women In Video workshop and the Mom 2.0 Summit had left me inspired and focused.  Lisa Ling, Amanda Peet, Shot@Life, Dove, the team at HLN – Raising America, and all my fellow bloggers made for a weekend I’ll never forget.  Connecting, growing our ideas, and really seeing and hearing a multitude of professional women had my body and brain buzzing.

My return had me immediately feeling heavy and hectic.

In my absence my children had gotten sick, my husband had been run ragged, and my workload had multiplied tenfold with new opportunities, brand deadlines, a birthday to plan, and a new part-time job in full swing.

On this particular morning, after returning from preschool drop off, my head spun quicker than usual on my jaunt from the car to our condo.  In the middle of mentally prioritizing my day, a gust of wind gave me pause.  The toddler in my arms gasped, “ooohheee” as the speedy wind passed over us in a second and left stillness in it’s wake.

I tightened my arms around him as his eyes got big.

He felt lighter and small after his bout with illness.

I hugged him close and did my favorite inhale of his hair.  The smell sucked me back down to the concrete, and out of the spinning I was caught in.

The sun was out.  It was warm.  Where did it come from?  Was it out earlier when we left for school?

I lifted my face up to it’s warmth, and for some reason…

we danced.

I cradled my boy and swayed in the sun…

in the courtyard…

between the car and our door…

to the made up tune in my head.

My moment in the sun…

It wasn’t about being seen or heard, or changing the world…

It was about being still and quiet…

alone, holding my baby…

snug in the arms that he is quickly on his way to outgrowing.

 

photo (11)

 

jenni chiu sig

posted in Life tagged with , , , , , 4 Comments

I’m Not a Newspaper

posted on 04/30/2013 by 12 Comments

 

newspaper.jpg

You should know that I don’t have an editor or a fact checker, and when breaking news happens I’m usually busy giving somebody a bath.

You should know that I’m not a journalist, nor do I aspire to be one.  I don’t care about the “spin” or the lede, and I’m terrible at capitalizing on any tragedy by posting immediate, SEO friendly posts.  It’s truly a miracle that I have the traffic that I have, since I write with no business savvy whatsoever.

I’m grateful for those of you who visit regularly like you would a paper or online magazine – especially since I write no “how-to’s”, or clue you in on any celebrity gossip.  I will sometimes mention a research result, a political fact, or an update on a news item – but it will most likely be with a link to an article that will give you more information than I ever could.

The truth is, I don’t have much practical take away here.

I don’t even have a “genre” that I stick to.

I want you to expect not to know what to expect when you come here.

I am multi-faceted and expansive, just as you are.

As this blog has grown, I have thought about where I want it to go.  I have been approached about how to morph my platform, define my niche, and grow it into a money maker. I am soon heading to a series of conferences, where I will be overloaded with business cards, asked about what this space is, and inevitably think about my professional goals.

Though I’m branching out personally, I don’t have any plans on changing this space.

It will stay the same spot that you visit to find no useful information.

I will remain a story teller…

and an opinionated expert on nothing.

There will be little fact.

When disaster strikes, I may or may not write about it.

When the healing starts, I probably will.

I don’t write the news.

I don’t want to.

I write humanity.

Yours and mine…

and that’s how it will stay.

 

jenni chiu sig

 

posted in Life, Not really a post tagged with , , , 12 Comments
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