Kicked. (Last of the 8 lines)

posted on 11/29/2011 by 8 Comments

* Last of the 8 line posts spurred by this one >> 8 mm.

*****

Love affair with Texas Ranger = kicked.

Dependence on boob umbrellas = kicked (Can we say like leather?).

Ingestion of multiple pain pills = kicked.

Preoccupation with the FrankenPussy = kicked… well maybe one last look.

Scheme to cheat on posts by posting only 8 lines for over a month = kicked.

The year 1995 = the last time I used the word kicked.

Postpartum Depression/Anxiety = getting my boots on for kicking it.

My pity party’s keg = so kicked.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

posted in Life, Like you care tagged with , , , , , 8 Comments

Prodromal labor, false labor, pre-labor – suck it.

posted on 10/03/2011 by 29 Comments

´”How far apart have they been?”

I looked at my digital stop watch, “5 minutes, 3 minutes, 12 minutes, 25 minutes”.

I was excited.  Even though the contractions were very irregular, something was definitely happening.  The contractions were fairly strong and on again off again all night long.  This baby was on it’s way soon!

>> Fast forward three days. <<

Chinese water torture sounds like a fuzzy adult Snuggie right now.

I sit here in front of this computer screen having had a minute amount of sleep over the past three days.  Roller coaster contractions that completely disappear for an hour or two have pretty much exhausted my body.

I am the zombie apocalypse.  If you speak to me, I will probably stare at you blankly.  If you come too close, I will bite you.  Plus, I make an awful lot of moaning/grunting sounds.

Prodromal labor can suck it.

Some call it “false labor” or “pre labor”.  Sure, I have heard of it, but didn’t experience it with my first son.  And I had no idea how exhausting it could be… and that it could go on for days and days.

I’m dilated to 3 centimeters, but the contractions aren’t at regular enough intervals to do anything but make me uncomfortable and keep me up at night.  The crazy thing is, my pubic bone is not hurting.  Yes, that’s right – the already separating pubic bone that has made it nearly impossible for me to walk this past month… feels totally fine right now.  I’ve been a walking machine – possibly another sign that I am a zombie.  I could walk for days just grunting and searching for food.

So that’s where I’m at right now.

Delerious.

Exhausted.

A little bit hungry for flesh.

If you’re not already, feel free to follow me on Facebook and Twitter.  I’m just crazy enough to give you real time updates of this birth.

And, yes, I’m trying my best to think positively…

I know my body is “practicing”.  I know at some point there will be a baby.

However, my body had been getting pumped for this child for three full days.

I’m pretty sure my uterus could crush a beer can on it forehead right now.

#BringOnTheBaby

 

 

 

 

 

posted in Life, Like you care tagged with , , , , , 29 Comments

It’s not weird if you’re old.

posted on 06/15/2011 by 12 Comments

I sat on the toilet the other night pondering how my life has changed since I was in my early twenties.  Well, obviously my life has changed… but I don’t think I ever thought about how my opinions would change, or judgments, or sense of normalcy.

I’m sure a lot of it is becoming a parent, but some of it comes with age too… or is it just me?

For example, here are some things that seemed weird, or that I just never understood when I was a wee lass.

These things are not weird to me anymore:

  • People that go to bed at nine o’clock.
  • Parents that use spit to clean their child’s face.
  • Those that talk about their college years like it was the best time of their lives.
  • Complaining about loud music.
  • Wearing gym shoes when not going to the gym.
  • Leaving the house without brushing my hair.
  • Talking about bowel movements.
  • Stretching before getting into bed.
  • Talking about the weather.
  • Sunscreen.
  • Forgetting my age when someone asks me.
  • Separating laundry.
  • Neti pots.
  • The speed limit.
  • Sitting on the toilet and pondering life.

Also- things that are not weird or rare to me anymore, but possibly have nothing to do with being old:

  • Roller skating men in bikinis.
  • Politicians who’s dicks won’t stay in their pants.
  • Hallucinating due to lack of sleep.
  • Tonsil stones.
  • Handling poop.
  • Wearing scarves with tank tops.
  • People, who are not actors, who go on reality television so the world can make fun of them.
  • Ending conversations with “Namaste”.
  • Customer service robots.
  • National Doughnut Day.

I have no idea what this post is supposed to be about.  I just never thought the things that are normal would be normal.

 

PS- Did I mention I now drive a minivan?

posted in Life, Like you care tagged with , , 12 Comments

Ridiculously random updates- the meat edition.

posted on 06/01/2011 by 13 Comments

It’s time for another round of ridiculously random updates.  So here are some things that I may or may not have remembered to tell you about.  Seriously… I don’t remember… pregnancy brain is a very real thing.

 

  • My husband, the Hot Nerd that he is, has finally graduated and gotten his Masters’ Degree in Civil Engineering.  He did it while working full time, so… kudos!  It also means the end of single parenting for me, so… thank jeebus!  A by product of this, however, is that he is home almost every night all up in my business… and I have to cook for him and watch television shows that appeal to both of us.  I am finding these things to be a challenge.
  • Bam Bam turned three, and I openly find myself weeping for his gone baby years.  I threw a kick ass birthday party and we rented a bouncy house.  I also took zero pictures.  I demand a do over.
  • We found out the baby cooking in my belly is going to be another boy.  My husband suggested we name him Meat.
  • I find this interesting since I have a very profound craving for meat.  Weird since just two months ago I was doing research to ensure a healthy pregnancy as a vegetarian.
  • I love meat.
  • I lost my big toenail.  I am not at liberty to tell you why… but it is just in time for sandal season.
  • One of my Tweets was made into a song by the fabulous guys over at We Sing Your Tweets.  You must go and listen.  I smiled.  I laughed.  I farted.  I laughed harder.
  • A re-run of the episode of Criminal Minds that I did was on… but was totally upstaged by the world learning of Osama Bin Laden’s death.  He’s such a jerk.
  • I’ll be in San Diego at BlogHer ’11 in August.  If you are going too, let me know-  we can meet and you can rub my belly for good luck.
  • The latest update on my feelings for you is that I still love you all deeply.

 

 

 

 

 

posted in Like you care, Not really a post tagged with , , , , 13 Comments

The blahs.

posted on 04/27/2011 by 8 Comments

I sat in front of the computer, and then figured I would just turn it off, because I have nothing to say today.

Except I stopped myself because I somehow thought it felt like cheating. So, here I am, writing for the sake of writing.

Perhaps this is one of those times as a blogger when you realize you may have blown your wad the first year. I’ve told you all the good stuff already. Or perhaps, I’m just bored with everything… unaffected… tired. I don’t really know. Lucky you. You get to witness my stream of consciousness at this moment.

Overall, I think it’s because there is no drama right now in my life.

My kid isn’t in school yet, so we just hang out together.. ALL. THE. TIME. We’ve read the same stories (because he never gets tired of them). We’ve played the same pretend games. He’s almost three, and not really open to suggestion on what we cook in our pretend kitchen. It’s cookies or cake… that’s it.

I’m bored with being a stay at home mom.

I’ve got a case of the blahs.

What I need is a scandal.

So, I’m packing up my boy, and we’re gonna go places today.  I’m going to make him wear a wig, just for fun.

I am also debating spending the day pretending we don’t speak English.

And pointing at strangers while I yell angrily in a foreign language.

And when I get bored with that, I think I will knock on the doors of my neighbors and introduce myself. I think part of my boredom is coming from isolation.

“Hi, I’m Jenni. I just wanted to introduce myself. I would love to come in and have you bake me a cake.”

Or maybe I should be happy that things are relatively calm right now. Maybe I should spend the day basking in the cuteness of my son, lounging in the backyard drawing with crayons and munching on grapes.

Nah.

Where’s that effing wig…

 

posted in Life, Like you care 8 Comments
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