TIME shmime.

posted on 05/11/2012 by Jenni Chiu 8 Comments

People keep asking me what I think about the latest TIME magazine cover. I swore I wasn’t going to write anything on my blog, but I’m afraid if I don’t put it down in words, I won’t be able to let it go…

and I’m already tired of it. It needs to be let go.

So here, in a nutshell, is what’s rolling around in my head.

Yes, here is a picture of the bait that I'm sure you've already seen.

The picture is intentionally provocative. I’m sure when they nurse at home they are seated comfortably with him cradled in her arms, looking very much like mother and child.
The first thing out of my husband’s mouth was “Whoa. She’s hot.”
There is nothing wrong with extended breastfeeding. I only nursed my first son for a year, and will play it by ear with our newest boy.
There is nothing wrong with attachment parenting, though the media wants to make it into something extreme. I know mothers who practice all the tenets of AP, others who practice some, and mothers who just do what works for their family regardless of what “style” it falls under.
There is nothing wrong with mothers who work outside the home.
I’m extremely put off by the title. It is intentionally divisive, in hopes of pitting mothers against each other. It is a clever play on “Are you man enough”, but used in poor taste.
The picture and title are selling a billion copies. The creative team will be chalking this up to a win.
Most mothers I know are actually tired of the whole “mommy wars” thing.
The woman on the cover is a mother. She saw an opportunity and took it. It worked – her blog has since crashed from all the traffic and she’s making oodles of money being interviewed. She also seems like a very nice lady.
I do, however, wonder how this picture may affect her son when he is in middle school and his friends see it.

Katherine Stone over at Babble also asked me my thoughts on the cover (not the article).

Here is what I said:

To the media pot-stirrers, stop trying to put us mothers in each others’ way. A mother is responsible for another human life. There is no nobler or anxiety-ridden job on the planet. ‘Mommy guilt’ is relentless no matter what choices we make, but no one helps lessen that guilt like another mother. Mothers are a powerful force, and trying to distract us with each others’ choices will no longer work. Most of us are too smart to fall for it.

In honoring another mother’s choice, we in no way take away the freedom to make our own. The more you try to divide us, the more many of us will link arms. Even with a baby attached to my breast, I’ll link arms with the mother next to me who is feeding her babe with a bottle. She will reach over in support of the other mother who is just kicking off her shoes at the end of a long work day. We are nurturing, intelligent, capable, and not your emotional playthings. We are mothers. We can kick your ass.

You can read Katherine’s thoughtful article here, as well as what some other well known mothers who blog had to say.

This has been a fascinating 24 hour distraction for all of us, now lets move on.

TIME shmime.

It’s becoming more and more like Star everyday.

posted in Priceless Opinion tagged with Are You Mom Enough?, attachment parenting, media, Mommy Wars are dumb, TIME 8 Comments

No way to No Mothers Day.

posted on 05/10/2012 by Jenni Chiu 19 Comments

Christy Turlington Burns has founded an organization called Every Mother Counts. The issue this organization focuses on is global maternal mortality, and the lack of accesible care for pregnant women. It’s a worthy organization, one I support, but one that is guilty of having its latest campaign suck.

The latest campaign is called “No Mothers Day”. It calls for mothers to “disappear” for Mothers Day. That means accepting no phone calls, not updating their social networking statuses, and accepting no gifts or flowers. The idea is to “underscore just how missed a mother is when she is gone”.

Christy Turlington Burns has put together a video of very high profile moms calling for other moms to join in silent solidarity and say no to Mothers Day.

I just cannot cannot cannot do it.

Though I admire many of those mothers, I am not like many of the moms on the video. I don’t have staff that comes in and helps clean my kitchen. I don’t have a nanny to take one kid while I struggle to get the baby to sleep. I don’t even have family nearby to watch the children for a couple hours so I can get a haircut.

Mothers Day is the one day I hope above hopes that I will get to kick back, pseudo-relax, and get a nice present in exchange for 364 days of indentured servitude. At this point in my life, I have given up my career to be a stay at home mom, at least until our youngest is old enough for school. My days are filled with wiping butts, scrubbing floors, cooking meals, doing dishes, and other endless chores – all while holding a baby. I don’t get paid to do these things. Most of the time I don’t even get a thank you.

I love Mothers Day.

I don’t want to be silent on Mothers Day.

I want to roar on Mothers Day, “Look at me! I’m a mother! I finally know how to love someone else more than I could ever love myself. Because of that, I have a habit of putting myself last, and I need this one day to be told how much what I do means. Cook me breakfast. Tell me how much you love me. Make me cry with a stinking hand made card!”

So, to the campaign No Mothers Day – I say, no way.

I understand what Christy is attempting to do. I’m sure the idea to remove mothers from Mothers Day in honor of women who don’t survive to be mothers seemed like a powerful one. The women in the video are expressing the idea that ”our silence will speak the loudest, for all mothers.” That sounds pithy enough, but I always believe that silence can never raise as much awareness as speaking out. The statistics on maternal mortality in some countries are staggering. So lets spread the word and still celebrate the mothers who are alive and well.

One thousand mothers will die this Mothers Day due to pregnancy or birth related complications. That demands attention for sure. Women all over the world are dying because they are “about to become mothers”.

I did become one.

I am lucky for it.

It’s the hardest and best thing I ever did.

There is a day that celebrates it.

I refuse to give it up.

posted in Life, Priceless Opinion tagged with Christy Turlington Burns, Every Mother Counts, I like presents, Mother's Day 19 Comments

Motherhood vs. Feminism – The New York Times forgot to ask me.

posted on 05/02/2012 by Jenni Chiu 18 Comments

I checked my inbox and spam folders… nothing from the New York Times. I’m not going to make a big stink about it, though. I would hate for anyone to get fired over me.

In The Opinion Pages of The New York Times, a very interesting debate took place a couple days ago. The big question was this, “Has women’s obsession with being the perfect mother destroyed feminism? In particular, has this trend of ‘attachment parenting’ been bad for working moms?”

Several women of differing views weighed in on the subject.

click to enlarge

Here’s what I have to say:

The Answer Is No.

JENNI CHIU, BLOGGER, AND AUTHOR OF ZERO BOOKS.

Women’s obsession with being the perfect mother has not destroyed feminism. The quest to be the perfect mother existed well before the feminist movement. Since the beginnings of the family unit, mothers have wanted to be the best, provide the best food, the safest living space, and the perfect emotional and learning environment. It’s instinct – it’s to ensure the survival of our offspring. Our babies come into this world owning nothing (they don’t even know their hands are their own), so we have to be their everything.

There is no nobler or more anxiety-ridden job than that of being a parent.

A mother is responsible for another human life. If the feminist movement had never happened, mothers would still be killing themselves trying to be perfect – “My pie has less sugar than your pie,” “If I didn’t take so long to pee, my baby wouldn’t have hit his head,” “I should’ve flipped the cave rock over to make a better pillow.” There is no perfect, but the desire to be it is instinct. Striking the balance is tricky and endless, but has nothing to do with feminism.

“Attachment parenting” also does not have it’s claws in the working mother, nor does the parenting style demean the feminist movement in any way. Mayim Bialik, in her essay for the debate states that most women who choose to attachment-parent are “educated, humble and devoted women who believe it is just as much a feminist choice to be a parent as it is to not be one.”

Though her choices may not be mine, I tend to agree.

Attachment parenting has not been bad for the working mom. Judgement and guilt has been bad for the working mom.

The only thing I see that has the potential of destroying the feminist movement is other women. Sure there are some politicians out there right now who are giving it a good college try, but women are the majority, and if we’d stop being distracted by each other’s choices we’d be a powerful force.

At the core of feminism is defending equal rights and opportunities for women. We have the opportunity to work, the opportunity to stay home, the opportunity to do one for a while and then the other. Feminism is also about choices, and it’s our job as fellow women to honor the choices that other women make. In honoring another woman’s choice, we in no way take away the freedom to make our own.

There are, of course, women who work because they must put food on the table, and we live in a time now where they are able to do so. These women work their butts off, and miss their little ones enough without other women reminding them. We should be lifting them up, they deserve the support.

“Mommy guilt” is relentless no matter what choices we make, but no one helps lessen that guilt like another mother.

Before the feminist movement, women were told they had to stay home and raise the kids. Right after the feminist movement, women were told they had to get out there and work to feel complete. The pendulum has finally reached the middle, and now women have the choice to do either.

Feminism isn’t on the way down, it’s expanding…

defending the many strengths, facets, and differences a woman can have…

And if we’d get out of each other’s way, we’d see it’s better than ever.

posted in Life, Priceless Opinion tagged with attachment parenting, feminism, NYT, Room For Debate 18 Comments

Beautiful, and…

posted on 03/23/2012 by Jenni Chiu 29 Comments

As a girl, my hair was not the color of Barbie’s. My eyes were not the color of Barbie’s. My boobs were not… they were just… not. Moreover, I didn’t walk around on my tip toes all the time.

Barbie was everywhere. My friends had Barbie. Barbie was on the TV. I wanted to be Barbie. Barbie WAS BEAUTIFUL. One of my favorite shows growing up was The Facts Of Life, and Blair was the pretty one – she looked like Barbie.

As I got older, I tried to cling less to the image of Barbie, knowing that it was impossible to change my ethnicity. I was a ballet dancer, thin as a rail, and had fairly clear skin. As a teenager, I started to feel beautiful because people around me told me I was. I was also lucky enough to have the body type that qualified as a “hanger” and began modeling, and walking the runways at a young age.

I was given ridiculous amounts of money to show up and be beautiful. And if I wasn’t beautiful, I was sent home. My outsides were worth a lot. The travel and the money – it was a tremendous opportunity, and I am grateful for it. I didn’t realize the impact it would have on my self worth until later.

After high school I went to a performing arts college, and felt confident in the talents that got me there. The very first day we had to do monologues in front of the freshman class. A boy, who later became a very close friend, said to me that day,

I’m sure your monologue was very good, but I was too busy looking at your legs to hear a word you said.

Later, I went to work professionally as an actress. A director once said to me,

When you first step out on stage, just stand there – don’t speak for five whole seconds. The audience needs time to look at you, because they’re not going to expect you to have something to say.

There are many times when I feel I’ve surprised people with something to say.

The word “beautiful” has made me feel special.

“Beautiful” has made me feel privileged.

“Beautiful” has made me feel hated.

“Beautiful” has made me feel small.

When we tell our daughters they’re beautiful, what are we really saying?

The words that we often use to describe our little girls are “pretty”, “cute”, “beautiful”, “gorgeous”. I got the message early on that what people liked about me was on the outside. Society and the media have told me, and the women around me, what is “beautiful” and what is not. Then the finger gets pointed, and we are told who gets to have “beauty” and who doesn’t. The box is a tiny one, and you either fit inside it or you don’t. Throughout my life, I’ve felt beautiful… then not enough… then beautiful… then not.

Being tall wasn’t enough because I wanted blonde hair. Being skinny wasn’t enough, because I needed bigger breasts. My environment taught me that i would probably never be enough. No matter what skin color, hair color, weight, or bust size – if you’re a woman, your self esteem has taken many hits because of your appearance. It will never be enough because we can’t fill the inside with the outside.

Yes, it’s a problem that most women we see in magazines do not represent the common body type. Yes, it’s a problem that “beauty” is being defined by people who want to sell us things. Yes, we need a re-definition of beauty… a real-definition of beauty.

But it’s more than that. The small problem is that we’re being bombarded as women with what “beautiful” is. The bigger problem is that we’re being taught it is all. The value placed on the outward appearance is disproportionate. It’s also heinously limiting as a woman. It effects how we see ourselves, it effects how society sees us, and it effects how the men in our lives see us.

A woman’s voice carries less weight in law making than her breasts do in the selling of liquor. Limiting women to their outsides is the first step in objectifying them. That leads to taking away their voices, and taking away their choices – the current war on women is proof of that. I also believe this mode of thinking is what can lead to the dehumanization of women – to violence against women.

Beautiful is not a dirty word, or at least it shouldn’t be. Every woman wants to feel attractive. As I sit here, with my face scarred from postpartum/adult acne, and my extra belly skin flapping in the wind, I wouldn’t mind hearing the word beautiful.

I’m not saying we shouldn’t use the word. I’m saying we should watch how we use the word. I’m also saying we should build on it.

Every girl wants to be told they’re beautiful. Every girl is. They are also more.

I encourage you to tell the daughters, sisters, mothers, and wives in your life that they are beautiful.

But I challenge you to consistently tell them they are beautiful, AND…