If you’re going to tweet…

do it right.

And yes, of course, I am going to tell how to do that.

Disclaimer: These are my own stupid rules that I made up. However, I am incredibly cool, and almost always right.

• Do not under tweet or over tweet. You should pretty much tweet every day if you really want people to follow you. Five to twenty tweets a day is plenty, depending on how verbose you are feeling.  No one wants to read tweets from you every 5 minutes.  Seriously… no one! Except for maybe your mom, in which case, you can just call her on that ancient device called a telephone.
• Do not auto DM people thanking them for following you. It’s impersonal, so who cares?  The end.
• Use some fun words that the cool people use: Stabby (eg. I’m feeling stabby today.) Asshat (eg. That fricken’ Jesse James is such an asshat.)  Squee (eg. I am so excited to watch Glee. Squee!!)  Once you’ve established your cool tweeter status, you can then make up your own words. I do it all the time (eg. Glopsit! That jerkbird totally squifferd my panties with that statement!)
• Don’t list five thousand Follow Fridays. In fact, here’s a little secret for you…  Follow Friday is NOT MANDATORY.  If you think someone is worth following, then by all means, tell us. But tell us why, and my personal limit is two or three. I’m generous.  PS- don’t #FF yourself. That’s not cool.
• Don’t beg for followers. Cool people don’t beg.
• Don’t over promote! Your blog. Your contest. Whatever. Tell me something interesting in your tweets, and then nicely slip in a link to your blog post here and there. I like to know when you’ve written a new post. But you don’t have to tell me ten times a day. That’s one of the fastest ways to get un-followed.
• I don’t want to see pictures of your lunch. If you made an amazing meal from scratch, for your lover, whom you’ve just been reunited with after ten years,then okay. If you went to Taco Bell, or made yourself a nice little PB and J, then no.
• No full on conversations, people. If someone says something, and you have a fun response, and they have a witty response to that- okay. But don’t have full on conversations with your neighbor about the condition or your garden, right in the middle of my stream! That’s what a DM is for.
• Watch it with the twitter parties. Throw or join a party sparingly. When my tweet stream becomes a blur of unrecognizable hash tags, that’s when I start slicing my following list.
• Retweet properly. I love when people retweet something they find funny or interesting. This is how I find some new people to follow. But if you’re going to add your own remark, do it before the retweet, or distinguish it with brackets or something. Or better yet, don’t add anything at all.
• I hate it when you re-tweet to win! Okay, I know, everyone likes to win stuff- but if all you do is retweet contest entries, YOU ARE SO NOT COOL.  Be selective, people!  I personally don’t retweet to win- unless someone is giving away orgasms, then I may rethink my policy.
• And last, but not least-  Dorks and geeks are cool on twitter. Let your nerdy-ness, not neediness shine!

– Just don’t annoy the crap out of me.