So…
I decided to get a new OB/GYN.
I like mine, but I don’t LOVE her. And I am often jealous of women who speak of their OB’s like they are best friends. I hear stories of ladies who talk to their Gynies about everything from sex to nutrition to tequila. There are people out there who have relationships with their OB/GYNs that span decades, and women who drive over 30 miles because they refuse to break that bond.
I’m just kinda… eh… about mine. She has a lovely demeanor, is warm, and delivered our son. But she is very blase about things- this is a quality I liked when we first met, because it made me feel calm, but eventually it started to feel like she just wasn’t invested.
I have been putting off looking for a new OB/GYN, because let’s face it- it’s hard introducing your girl bits to a stranger all over again. There’s something to be said for walking into an office knowing your doctor’s already been down and dirty with your reproductive organs. She seen my vagina at it’s worst, and didn’t appear to be scared in the least.
But, I decided I deserved a closer relationship, and went to her office for one last regular pap smear and a renewal of birth control. I wasn’t going to tell her I was getting a new doctor, but at this last visit, in my heart, I would be saying goodbye.
I had Bam Bam with me, which of course, made things ten times more hectic than necessary. Toddlers and waiting rooms just don’t mix at nap time. But my doctor had moved to a new office across the hall, and there were new things to entertain my son for a while.
The nurse asks me if I want to use the restroom before my exam, and I do. So she takes me down the hall and I jostle Bam Bam and his stroller in with me.
At this moment, I cannot believe my eyes. Along with the new office, they have a new, sweet smelling ladies room, with a bidet. That’s right, a bidet. Now, I always secretly feel like I’m not clean and pretty enough “down there” when I go to the OB’s office. I always nicely trim myself, shower, shave my legs, AND paint my toenails for her.
It is at this moment, that I finally feel she is giving back.
I actually get butterflies in my stomach.
I’m freaking giddy to try it out.
And guess what?
IT ROCKS.
***** ***** ***** ***** *****
The seat… is soft… and slightly warm.
It looks almost like any other toilet, but feels truly like a throne.
I relax as I read the instructions and browse my options.
And when I’m done, I choose to clean myself with a steady, gentle stream of warm water.
* And yes, there is an option called “massage”, which I did not try. Not because I wasn’t curious, but because my son was sitting in his stroller all mesmerized by either the toilet, or the look on my face- not sure which.
Then I dry myself with warm air.
Then I dry myself again, because I can.
I slip my underwear back on feeling relieved, fresh, and certain that I have no toilet paper lint stuck to my vajay-jay.
***** ***** ***** ***** *****
My exam was routine, and my doctor and I made small talk during the pap. My son was awkwardly silent during the actual pelvic exam, but for the most part it was boring, and normal.
It was only on the way back to the car, that I realized I forgot to say my silent goodbye to by OB/GYN.
I’m not switching doctors.
I have to see that bathroom again.
There are more buttons I need to try.
My vagina hasn’t felt that pampered in a long time.
And that’s a bond that is too important to break.
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Yes, I took pictures for you people- because that’s how much I love you.
Also, so I could look at it every now and then, until our next rendezvous…
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This is brilliant. Every OB/GYN office should be required to have this. I don’t blame you one bit for sticking around after seeing this!
i’m WICKED impressed. all those buttons. the warm air. and um, massage? really?
My recent post Momma Juice! [giveaway - ends 6.13]
You have to find a reason to go back, leave your son at home and give us a review on the “massage” button! HAHAHA…omg…I need talk to my OB about getting one of these.
My recent post Magic Eraser to the rescue!
Excellent advice. Keep your eyes peeled for the follow up post
Wish my OB had one of these!! Definitely want to hear about that massage button. Stopped by from SITS…glad I did because I got such a good laugh
Dang! I’d stay away from that “enema” button though…YIKES!
I’ve never ever SEEN a bidet like that…I’d stay too!
I came back to say what I meant to say…before I got distracted by the pretty buttons…my girlfriend's OB is gay as Christmas and she gets to go to his parties where he dresses likea girl and sends me pictures of his closet and she texts him randomly and I think I want to get one of THOSE.
My recent post Momma Juice! [giveaway - ends 6.13]
OMG- I totally need a sassy, gay, OB/Best friend!
O.M.G. This was seriously THE BEST thing I have read in a long time! I laughed…and then I laughed some more…and then when I saw the pictures…I cheered.
I never thought I'd say this, but I totally have OBGYN envy. I will never feel the same at my doctor's office again.
Your feelings of envy are well founded.
All other doctors should hang their heads in shame.
I need an explanation of enema – and what exactly that toilet does that is like one!? Clearly, I am not at all well versed in the areas of bidets.
A stream of water strong enough to shoot up and clean INSIDE the place that things normally come OUT of.
Don't let anyone ever tell you that this isn't an educational blog.
Wow. Just wow. I'm so impressed – my doctor's office definitely doesn't have one of those! Though I am very curious as to how the enema could work.
Maybe it's best not to know.
Crazy funny! My OBGYN is so getting fired!
Dang! Every OB/GYN should invest in one of those! Just say NO to the enema button, though.
My recent post Thirty Things I Vow to Do This Summer
Wow, wow, and wow. Just what town is this OB located? Have to mention this on a comment card somewhere.
"In order to retain your patients, might I recommend a bidet?"
Bring your vagina over to Burbank, CA. You’ll be glad you did.
LOL…when I was in Japan they have these in most Restaurants…and I was was frustrating trying to read the buttons in Kanji…ugh but it was funny…thanks for sharing!
Happy SITS!
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Oh wow. The post is great, the comments fantastic, the pictures the sweet buttercream frosting. This is awesomeness in it’s truest form from the installation of the bidet through to the transportation of vaginas across state lines.
I knew I liked you for a reason!
Thanks, lovely lady.
And hats off to you for using the phrases “sweet buttercream frosting” and “transportation of vaginas across state lines” in the same comment.
True talent.