I’m not insane, but please throw me in a padded room for a couple weeks.

I’m not crazy.

The semi- invisible bugs were in my nose.

They bit me all over my body.

They made a home on my dogs.

They played in my underwear.

They crawled all over me while I lay in bed, unable to sleep.

Our house was invaded by mites… bird mites… and rat mites.

Double whammy.

It all started with a bite or two on my tummy. Then, the next day on my shoulder. I thought maybe spiders, or perhaps the dogs somehow got fleas. But when I found the tiniest of bugs in my bra, I started to wonder… and look around… everywhere… until I saw them.

I had to stay very still and look very closely, but they were there. Hundreds of tiny, moving, specks of dirt- no bigger than the period at the end of this sentence. Some of them were black, some were gray, some were almost transparent.

No one believed me.

I also heard something moving in the wall, and under our bathtub. Something big.

No one believed me.

And by no one, I mean, Hot Nerd. My two dogs and my toddler pretty much believe anything I say.

He actually looked me straight in the face, and asked “Are you sure you’re not seeing things?”

For some reason, he thinks I may have a flair for the dramatic. I don’t see why- I mean, it’s not like I ever thought there were demons in our bedroom.

Now, for the first day or two, I was the only one who saw them. And they only seemed to feast on me.

But soon, I wasn’t enough for them and they moved on to Hot Nerd as well. Their favorite time to suck our blood was the middle of the night. That’s what they want- blood. Apparently, the black mites are full of blood, and the transparent ones are little babies that need to eat.

So what did I do?

I   FREAKED   THE   FUCK   OUT.

The landlord was called. The research on the internet was endless. The pest company came to fog the place (again and again). Four bird’s nests were destroyed in the eaves of the house, several rats were caught from under the house (see, not so crazy).

I applied every non toxic solution I found online.

Here’s the past couple weeks in a nutshell:

• No sleep.
• Solution of Dawn dish washing detergent and water sprayed on the baseboards, and directly on mites every day.
• Bounce fabric sheets between the sheets and in all clothing drawers to repel them.
• Clothes after being taken off were placed in a plastic bag until they could be washed in detergent, borax, and ammonia.
• Bedding was laundered every morning.
• Floors were mopped twice a day.
• Carpets were vacuumed every day.
• Everyone took two Epsom salt baths a day to remove mites.
• After bathing, body was dusted with anti-itch/menthol powder.
• Baby oil was also applied to “smother” the mites.
• At bedtime, Aquafor was applied to lips and nostrils to prevent them from crawling inside.
• Baby powder was put in our underwear.
• Stuffed animals were thrown away. A few very precious ones were sealed in a plastic bag and put in the freezer.
• A lint roller was used on the skin and clothing everyday to remove mites that couldn’t be seen.
• I misted myself with a mixture of witch hazel, water, and eucalyptus oil whenever I felt the “crawlies”.

Yes, of course I wish we could have packed up our family and stayed at a hotel, but we just don’t have that kind of money. This is not a problem that can be resolved in a day or two. It takes weeks, sometimes months (I hear) to rid a house of a mite problem. Plus, the veterinary bills have been astronomical, and though our landlord is paying for the pest control companies services, she is refusing to help with any of the other added expenses.

I laugh.

I cry.

I scratch.

I think we have the problem now under control. Things have been tremendously better now that the source of the mites has been removed, and we’ve bombed the house twice.

But if you would’ve caught a glimpse of me a week ago- frantically taking my clothes off and sealing them in plastic, while I lint- roll my son’s naked body, pausing only to furiously scratch myself , dump baby powder down my panties, or pull a spray bottle off the shelf to mist myself with eucalyptus- you probably would’ve called someone to come take me away.

Insane people feel invisible bugs on them all the time, right?

They would’ve come and taken me in a nice van to the funny farm.

And I think I would’ve been okay with that.

Because, on top of everything… all the stress of invisible bugs, of the dogs becoming infested… of the money it’s cost us…

on top of all that..

I started each day with a stupid Barney song stuck in my head.

Plus, when they put you in an institution, they give you yummy pills that make you sleep.

Sleep rocks.

A nice, clean, white, padded room would’ve been a welcome retreat.

Just no straight jacket though.

Because I would still need to scratch.

Stupid motherfucking awful nightmare-ish mites.