It’s two weeks into the new year- about the time when people are realizing which resolutions are going to last at least six months, and which are pipe dreams.
That’s why I don’t make resolutions…
Actually, I don’t make them because I hate being told what to do, even by myself. The minute I tell myself I can’t have something, or I must do something- I become incredibly defiant. I also have trouble thinking small, and often want to “resolve” to open an animal shelter with all the magic money I have, or to rid the world of yellow nail polish.
I’m afraid sometimes of setting myself up for failure.
I do, however, have a burning desire to change some things about the way I’m living my life. So, I’ve decided to be only kinda “resolute”, and mostly nebulous…
I am declaring the year 2011 to be, for me…
THE YEAR OF THE SCARY.
Not scary like zombies, but more of my own, personal fears. Fears that I feel are holding me back from actually “living” life. I used to be on anxiety medication. I’m not anymore… but still feel more nervous, and scared, than I do optimistic, and excited.
Please note: I cannot guarantee that there will be no zombies this year… so yes, it may in fact be the Year Of The Scary on that level, as well.
I’m afraid of failure.
I’m afraid of success.
I’m afraid of most human social interaction.
I’m afraid of growing old.
I’m afraid of taking a step in any direction… because it may be the wrong one.
Seriously, people, I could go on and on, because it’s easy to be smart, and funny, when I’m hiding behind my computer all day.
And, when I look back at my life, I realize that somewhere along the way, I stopped being me. The me that conquered stuff. The me that shined.
So this year…
I’m going to do my best to do scary things…
when the occasions to do so present themselves.
I don’t know what they will be, but I’ve already got some ideas…
- I’m going to BlogHer 2011. Hundreds of bloggers will be there. There will be LOTS of social interaction. I’m excited… and I’m scared shitless.
- I’m going to say hi to strangers. I’m talking about a good hi, too- the kind where you look someone in the eye, and smile real big. And people that I have no reason to say hi to- other than to acknowledge that we are existing in the same approximate space together at the given moment. (Now that I think about it, this may be just as scary, if not scarier for the stranger… hope nobody hits me.)
- I’m going to write a book. I’m sure this task is scary for most anyone.
- I’m going to stop dying my hair. Several years ago something happened, and I all of a sudden started going gray. Now, I don’t mean “Oh lookie, I’m getting a few gray hairs”. I mean, “Holy crap, 80% of my hair is now growing out of my head white!”. I’m terrified.
I’m so angry, scared, and resentful, about losing the old me, that I have no idea what kind of “new me” I could become.
I’ve gone in no direction… because for the last few years, I’ve been trying to go backwards…
Which, of course, can’t happen…
So I exist in paralysis.
I’ve decided it’s time for a jolt.
Time to scare myself into living life.
Hope you’ll come along for the ride.
In fact, I beg you to…
because my eyes may be closed most of the way.
*****
*****
Again- no gaurantee about the zombies.
“And, when I look back at my life, I realize that somewhere along the way, I stopped being me. The me that conquered stuff. The me that shined.” –
I know that girl … I see her face in the mirror every day. Just be you, and that will be more than enough. Jump into your fears … I’ll be right behind you.
I Love it and You.
Oh!!! PS … Nothing wrong with hair dye. Really. It is our God given right as women to always defy the true hue of the locks. And you know how exactly how I roll in that department.
True about the locks. But I am curious to see what I would look like if I stopped fighting it.
Also, couldn’t think of anything quite as frightening.
I made 2010 my year of courage. I faced things I hadn’t been able to face in a very long time: doctor visits, relationship issues, and my financial status. Plus I tackled some amazing things that the “old, timid” me would never have tried: whitewater rafting, dating after 40, allowing my children to be who they are. 2010 turned out to be a pretty kick ass year.
Yeah for you for your Year of the Scary!
Kimberly recently posted..Girl Scout Cookie Time
Yeah! Fist bump it, lady! I shall turn to you when my courage wanes… which quite possibly be as early as tomorrow.
Oh, man, I’m right there with you. I timidly started down this road in September of 2010, and my “resolution” for 2011 was that it’s the year I start to MAKE THINGS HAPPEN!
So that book I wrote for NaNoWriMo? I actually let people read it. And critique it. And now I’m writing a third draft. And submitting it to agents. And I started submitting short stories to contests and literary mags. Because I realized I always wanted to be a real, working writer, and the only thing stopping me was my fear of rejection. Which is ridiculous. As you said so brilliantly, I was so scared I’d make the wrong move, I didn’t make any moves at all.
So here’s to 2011, the year we through caution to the wind, reclaim our hair, and reclaim our teenage hopes for ourselves!
Lee @ RevsinAbs recently posted..Tiger Mom-Blank Mom
Good for you girl. I, too, have that fear of people/social interaction! I hate it. I don’t know what happened because I used to me Miss Social Butterfly…I loved people, said ‘hi’ to everyone, had lots of friends. I’m a “wall builder”. Hurt, scared, anxiety…whatever it is, I build a big strong wall around myself so no one can enter.
I wish you luck on your quest… i think it’s very brave to vow to face your deepest fears!!
You go, girl. And BTW, please know how lucky you are to be going WHITE and not that shitty steel, file cabinet, dishwater crappy color I am hiding with the help of Aveda # 7 right now. Though I reserve the right to change that. Anyway. You go. If it helps, you’re one of the bravest people I know.
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This is a good resolution. I’m a pretty fearful person and I’m afraid that is starting to rub off on my 2yro and I hate it. I might follow suit and make this year the year of scary for me too.
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Go MNB!!! I tell you I find that ALL my living takes place only once I take a risk, get outside the comfort zone. I am here with you for the journey girlfriend, open your eyes and enjoy it. Feel the fear and do it anyway!!
Ok, I have to tell you, the idea that you get defiant even with yourself is hilarious…and TOTALLY relatable for me. The second I say to myself “don’t drink during the week,” I become like a raging alchy and I stare at my wine opener and all I want in the world is a glass of wine. I’m my own worst enemy. Good for you for tackling these!
StephanieinSuburbia recently posted..Alsohe said it was cool that I spent half my mortgage on makeup!
Only because there is a chance of zombies will I come along for the ride. Okay, that’s not entirely true. But mostly.
I see a ton of people are going to BlogHer. It makes me kind of sad because I love California. But I decided to get married this year and I have to go to Jamaica a couple weeks after it. Sigh. I need to get my priorities straight.
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kick ace mama!
LOVE this…..I relate to so damned much of it, and have recently declared this the year I get back to that me I’ve lost.
I like year of the scary so much better when it comes to catchy-ness though
ramblin red recently posted..Metaphorical Fish
Just wear yellow nail polish and noone will notice your snowy ‘do.
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