35 weeks pregnant – and my other kid may be scarred permanently.

I am a pod.

I am a big, walking, gestating pod.

I am 35 weeks pregnant and have finally reached the point of having weekly visits with my OB.  My three year old is dragged along with me for every visit.  He knows the drill – blood pressure, weigh in, pee in a cup, listen to the heartbeat, and dose e doe out the door.

This last time was different.

***

I stood there, dripping with sweat on the scale.  I had barely waddled myself into the office in the 110 degree heat.  Bam Bam stood there swinging my purse up and over his head.  I cringed when the nurse told me I gained another 4 pounds, and silently prayed that the doctor would would tell me we were wrong all along and I was really 39 weeks preganant and could deliver any day.

We got to the examination room and the nurse told me to take my clothes from the waist down.

“Excuse me?” I said.

“We’ll take some measurements and do an ultrasound today, but we also need to take a vaginal culture.”

My son is bouncing off the walls, so I stop him from spinning in circles, stroke his hair, and speak in soothing tones while he swats my hands away.  I dangle my iPhone in front of him, let him choose a game, and sit him down on a chair across the room where I tell him he must stay.

I peel off my sweaty clothes, hoist myself onto the exam table, and heave a sigh that can only come from the depths of an oversized, human incubator.

The doctor comes in and helps me lay back and get my swollen feet in the stirrups.  We begin the ultrasound first, and she starts to measure the head, and length of the baby.  She tells me that the baby weighs approximately 6 1/2 lbs right now.  Her guess is that by the time I reach 39 weeks, I’ll be carrying a baby over 9 lbs.

I grunt… and then whimper.

We talk more about my pubic bone splitting with my first son, and the likelihood of it happening again.  We also talk about the chances of the bone separating BEFORE I even go into labor.

I lay there, half naked, with my legs spread, feet in stirrups, and my mind starts to reel…

Do I want a C section once I hit 39 weeks?  I don’t want to give up on a vaginal birth.  What if my pubic bone breaks before that and I can’t walk?  Should I hope that I will spontaneously go into labor before that?  Maybe I should try to naturally induce labor so the baby doesn’t just sit around getting plumper.

I try to remember all the things that could help induce labor, and have visions of Hot Nerd and I having quickie sex, while manually stimulating my nipples and pressing pressure points on my feet.  All of this, of course followed by a brisk walk around the block while eating spicy food.

My OB is saying something about continuing to wear my support belt while I silently curse my husband’s giant baby making genes.  I look over at the chair that holds the first giant baby… and he’s not there.

Where did he go?

Is he pulling a plug out somewhere?

I can’t see much of the room lying on my back.  I start twisting my head around and flapping like a beached whale.  I call out to him,

“Baby, where are you?”  “Where did you go?”  “What are you doing?”

The doctor also starts scanning the room for him when we hear a little voice,

“Right here, mama.”

I look down, and my son’s head slowly rises up from between my legs.

***

I have no idea how long he was there.

But I do know that no one in that room will ever be the same.

 

 

 

35 Weeks-Scarred.jpg

 

 



36 responses to “35 weeks pregnant – and my other kid may be scarred permanently.”

  1. Egad!!! And hahahahahahaha!!!!!

    Did you talk about it afterwards? 🙂

  2. Hahahahahaha!!! Eeeeeeeek!!! Oh, I can only IMAGINE the flood of questions…

  3. Milaka says:

    I’m so glad I wasn’t sipping my coffee when I read that. Coffee through the nose is not pleasant.

    Holy cow.

  4. Oh my god. Just think–now he has something to talk about at school tomorrow 🙂

  5. Cj Lowder says:

    omg hahahahahahaha “Baby, where are you?”

  6. OMG OMG OMG OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    i just… i can’t even…

    OMG!!!!!!!!!!!

  7. Jen says:

    Well, thank God kids forget things easily and just hope that this is one of those things and not one of those things that he will tell his therapist about in 15 years.

  8. Mary says:

    NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

    Omg, I think that alone would have been enough to send me into labor!

  9. Elaine says:

    Nah, he’ll be fine. He may just grow up to be a “lady” doctor. 🙂

  10. Alexandria says:

    hahaha! That is really funny! I can’t even imagine the amount of money you guys are going to be spending on therapy :-p

  11. Lacy says:

    I had to take my 3 year old daughter with me to my 6 week postpartum check up. She asked my doctor if he was going to put the baby back in.

  12. Oh
    My
    God

    NO.

    JUST…..NO.

  13. Poppy says:

    The little girl he wants to play Doctor with better run like hell.

  14. I’m trying so hard not to laugh right now, because I know you are pregnantly miserable, but that is hilarious! Sounds like something my kids would do.

  15. January says:

    Oh dear GOD. I laughed and laughed…and then I laughed at the comments (especially Poppy’s!) Poor child. Poor you. Oh I feel for you Jenni. I had 2 boys 9 lbs and 9.6. However, I did NOT have to deal with the broken pelvis situation. Ouch!! Best of luck to you and may this baby decide to arrive … in like 2 weeks.

  16. Scary Mommy says:

    I actually laughed out loud at this. Wow. May I suggest you start saving for therapy now?

  17. Andrea says:

    Oh my G-d!! OMG, OMG! I would have died! But it is pretty friggin hilarious. Whew.

  18. Girl. when I was preggers with Gabs, Bella had to go with me to EVERY SINGLE appt and she was not even 2. But she was old enough to run around the room and did ask me “Why You Giney Look so funny?” when we were at the “Stripping the membranes” appointment. Good times. No worries, she is 6 now and doesn’t remember a thing..well, not to my knowledge. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see if she goes into convulsive flashbacks on her first Gynecological appointment. If she does..I;ll know. I;ll keep you posted..in about 10 years:)LOL

    P.S> They scared the shit out of me with those “your baby is going to be over 9/10 lbs if we go full term” too. I was induced at 39 weeks with both girls, neither was over 9. So, don;t get to worried. besides its not how chubby they are, it;s how damn big their heads are and my kids had heads the size of watermelons!You will be all good. Praying for no assbone splitting this time:)

  19. ChiMomWriter says:

    Bwahahahaha. Oh dear God, that is NOT okay! Bless you for sharing this…

  20. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA oh wait, hahahahahahahahahhahahahahah

    oh mah lowd.

  21. Kimberly says:

    Oh my gosh! I would have been mortified!!

  22. Oh Geez…what in the world got into that kid? Doesn’t he know only bad things happen there late in a pregnancy? Well, he does now!

  23. MommaKiss says:

    Well how else is the boy going to learn about the coochie hoo? Seriously now? Reminds me of when the 3 year old walked in on my friend giving me The Telly Savales Wax. Uh huh. Good times.

    I had big fat babies, too – but thank God for c-sections and drugs. My hoo hah is intact.

  24. The punch line to this was so worth the read. Poor guy. Well, it’s a real life lesson in anatomy. He doesn’t have to search the internet to find out what a vagina looks like. In other news, he’ll probably forget about it in a few weeks. He’s three and they have like zero attention span, as you know.

  25. […] stories, blog posts, and whatever else we’ve found interesting to check out.HUMORMommyNaniBooBoo: 35 Weeks – And My Other Kid May Be Scarred Permanently.Aiming Low: Sesame Street and Other Nostalgic Pleasures That Will Permanently Damage Your […]

  26. I don’t usually use the word “LOL” but, in this case, there is no other way to explain my reaction to your post. Hilarious.

    Not only do I also have a 3 year old boy who I attempt to distract with iPhone games at appointments, but I am exactly the same amount of pregnant as you. I’m actually hoping that my kid has scary memories of my pregnant state well into adulthood…and that those images alone will keep him from producing my future grandchildren until he is well into his 30’s. Fingers crossed.

    -Aimee

    • Jenni Chiu says:

      Oh lady, we are sister incubators right now! The weeks are dragging by…
      Hang in there, mama.
      I’m lucky my son just started preschool-no more vag peeking for him.

  27. Oh Em Gee.

    Dying laughing. Totally late on this one but this is totally hilarious. If you’re not the person on the table, that is. 😉

    Now you have me all freaked out about your pubic bone. That seems just so very…wrong.

  28. Jamie H says:

    I am laughing hysterically right now! Found this post via SITS.

  29. What a special moment for the two of you to share.

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