This past week was a blur. It was Hot Nerd’s birthday. It was little Meatball’s first birthday. My folks were in town. His folks were in town. It was a week long family mash up of love, and only now am I catching a breath.
My folks surprised me by flying in from Hawaii… then hiding behind a corner outside my garage and jumping out at me.
Hot In-Laws came from Florida as planned… with gifts and stories and lots of energy.
We laughed a lot. We tried to organize. We failed at organizing. We talked over each other. We took two cars everywhere. We ate a whole hell of a lot.
We took a road trip to where we will be living in a few months.
We went to an event at Knott’s Berry Farm and overdosed on fun.
My four year old bounced off the walls and put on “look at me” shows for everyone.
My newly one year old squealed a lot, missed naps, and learned how to clap his hands.
We ate boiled seafood with our hands.
Nana came every morning bearing cups filled with stolen individual coffee creamers from their hotel.
PoPo (Chinese for grandma) handed me secret money to buy the boys things they needed like socks, underwear, and shoes.
I was able to shower… by myself.
My two boys were the stars of the show… all iPhones were unholstered and at the ready.
We played pass the baby.
We played chase the baby.
We played “don’t let the baby eat that.”
We caught up on mini slices of each other’s lives.
PaPa read bedtime stories.
PoPo fed the baby.
Nana played a “world record” slide game.
Gung Gung (Chinese for grandpa) held hands and bought cupcakes.
Then Nana and PaPa were gone.
Then PoPo and Gung Gung were gone.
I cried for a brief second hugging my mother goodbye, but there were places to go and things to do…
and we are all used to existing…
without each other.
Then my four year old son couldn’t sleep, and we laid together on his bed.
Why are you having such a hard time falling asleep, my love?
Because (tearing up)… I feel… lost.
Lost? I’m not sure I understand. Can you tell me more about that?
I need you to stay here next to me when I fall asleep because I don’t want to disappear.
Disappear? Where would you go?
To where no one is. I would be lost from you guys… and my family.
What if I said I would always be here… with you?
Sometimes people are there… and then they are gone.
I had no answer for him.
He spoke the truth.
I held him.
We sang songs.
We waited for the very very sleepy feeling.
I know what he means. He is finally becoming old enough to remember… to care… to experience his grandparents when they are here… to feel the space they leave behind when they go.
So many of our generation live far away from their parents and childhood homes. Sometimes I do feel “lost”… alone… far away from blood-ties and support. The roots of our family tree are scattered across the country… and sometimes… just sometimes…
I feel like the fallen branch just tumbling in the wind.
You are not lost my friend. We all see you. You are here with us and we are embracing you in our virtual heart hug.
I know the feeling. Well, I knew it but now, we decided that we needed those roots to hold us down. To keep us tethered to what is important. We are surrounded by parents and grandparents and great grandparents and brothers and sisters and nieces and nephews and being there for the little things like first recitals and big games and just there to hold someone you’ve known all your life and who knows you when they need it the most. Its nothing big but the little things have made the journey home totally worth it. It was a hard trip getting back here but we are here now and it’s amazing being able to call my parents to come babysit or having my in laws close enough to keep the girls on a random Saturday night. Family is important and I think your little guy is just ahead of the curve because he knows what it took me almost 40 years to figure out.
Hugs mama.
Debi (@TruthfulMommy) recently posted..I was Almost Miss Teen America
OMG…I didn’t expect this beautiful story when reading your tweet! but It was very touching. Is that a Tear that just dropped? Why yes it was. Children bring us beautiful moments.
It’s so hard isn’t it? When the world is so big and our children so little? *hugs*
Alison recently posted..Intrinsic Goodness
Sweetness.
Old School/New School Mom recently posted..A Thrown Out Coffee Turns into a 5th Grade Opera
Oh.
I want to hug you. And him. It’s so awful when they’re sad about things like that, and not just because they’re sad but because you know they understand people coming and going. Heartbreaking.
Robin @ Farewell, Stranger recently posted..Grace in Small Things: #8
I feel this way so much. When I go back to Chicago its like home again, and yet its not. Its where I was, not where I am. Its nostalgia on overload. And then I come back here and I feel lost. Torn between two homes. My friends and family in one, and then here with all my now friends and the family I created and its like a split down my insides.
I just loved your words, they were so true and real.
Marta recently posted..To My Daughter on Her Second Birthday
Poignant. Ahhh… this special kind of sadness feels almost sacred, does it not? Tell your little man from this pile of drifting leaves over here that people like us can put down roots and put new roots down and sprout new families wherever we land. And there’s a magic connection that we feel to all of our branches even when we are drifting apart. And that the sad poignant feeling is a lucky one to have. Being momentarily lost means that most of the time you’re found.
So glad I found you, friend.
Mama Bear recently posted..12/21/12
Beautiful post, beautiful experience. “To where no one is” sounds like a children’s book title. Life unfolds as it should. I plant seeds by telling my little man that I will forever be in his heart and he will be in mine. Thanks for sharing your post.
Kakief recently posted..Imagination, Innovation, Knowledge and the Future
This covers the whole spectrum for me – the joy of that zestful lively family reunion and the emptiness that even a child notices. Beautifully written.
Lady Jennie recently posted..Stuff You Didn’t Know