Dear Husband in the middle of nowhere,
I am not against your “boy’s trips”. I appreciate your love of the wilderness, and that your best buddies are willing to sleep in the wilderness with you, so that I don’t have to.
However, it is 3 am on day 6 of you being gone and I have come to the following conclusion:
You will never do this again.
I have serious anxiety. To go so far into the middle of nowhere that you are unreachable by phone, telegram, and donkey leaves me in an insanely stressful position. I am all alone with a preschooler and ten month old, without any family, friends, or support system. I was clearly under the influence of something when I agreed to this. You may have had your shirt off.
Because I have no contact with you, I worry every single day if you are alive. Then I convince myself that you are alive, and having a really great time… which is good, because it’s the last hurrah, buddy.
I have realized that I do not function well when you are not here. There is no one to cook a fancy meal for… so I don’t eat well. The kids don’t care about the dirty dishes, so I don’t do them. I have not showered or cleaned the bathroom. At first it was a nice break. Now it’s just stinky.
I lie awake at night listening for intruders, ghosts, and very large spiders.
I have not slept in five nights. I may have had hallucinations. I found my car keys in the trash. I can’t remember our kids names. I am the zombie apocalypse.
I drank too much wine and then tried to apply the dog’s flea treatments.
I did not know we had the Lifetime Movie Network until now. We have run out of tissue.
I have not had an adult face to face conversation in over a week.
Also, I’m almost positive I just bought a condo while you were away.
Hugs and kisses,
Your loving wife.