I lay curled up on the bed, looking up into my husbands’ face.
“It’s leaving me, baby. It’s leaving me…”
“I know”, he said.
He crawled in next to me, placed his hand on my belly and whispered, “Goodbye…”
And we cried.
I cried the cry that comes up from your tailbone. The cry that hurts the arches of your feet. The cry that doesn’t stop. And when my eyeballs felt like they would fall out of my face, I cried some more.
My mother was in town, thank goodness, but I could hear my son calling for me in the living room.
There is nothing more emotionally confusing than entertaining one child, while physically feeling the one you were growing leave you.
The next day, the doctor confirmed what we already knew.
“I’m sorry, your uterus is empty.”
It was a clean miscarriage, I would not need any kind of removal procedure.
I have never seen an ultrasound without a baby in it. It looked exactly how she said… empty.
“Not even two months along.”
“Not really a baby yet…”
“A collection of cells gone wrong…”
But it was a baby to us.
We made it on purpose. We made it out of hope.
My husband had already started whispering “I love you” to my belly.
My son was already patting my tummy and saying “Baby in there.”
We made space for it in our lives.
And now that space is empty.
And I feel it. I physically feel it… missing.
My almost baby.
We will heal.
We will try again.
But right now, I sit here…
just empty.
*****
I'm *so* sorry for your loss.
Sending you buckets of love. xoxo
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Oh, Sweetie. I'm in tears. I'm so sorry. I wish I could be there to hug you so much right now. I love you.
Oh honey- I am so sorry. I hope you don't mind if I offer up prayers for your loss, for you, and for your family.
Crystal
Baaa tribe
I am so so sorry this happened to you! Thank you for sharing the story. You are a strong woman!
lighting a candle for you and yours.
sending you much light and healing, sweet friend.
So sorry to hear about your loss. It is tough, no matter what stage you are at. Hang in there.
I am so sorry. Sending you much peace and love.
Hugs, sweet momma. It hurts so much, right down to your core. They only solace I offer is that while you may never forget this pain, it makes the joy of another so much more.
All my tears for you today. I'm so, so sorry.
That was so beautifully written. I'm so sorry for your loss.
I'm so sorry for your loss. Hugs to your and your family.
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I am so sorry. I'm crying for you, for my friends and family that have suffered the same loss–
Thoughts, prayers, support and everything I have, all coming your way.
Prayers
The loss of your baby at “only” two months is not less heartbreaking and devastating as the loss of my son two hours after his birth. Society seems to correlate length of life with length of time parents are allowed to grieve. That’s not right. Several people told us that we were lucky that our Nathaniel died so soon after birth “so we wouldn’t have time to get attached”. Um…??? As soon as you find out you’re pregnant, that baby becomes a part of your life, your dreams, your family, your home, your future…
There’s a song by Natalie Grant called “Held” where the loss of a child is described as “when the sacred is torn from your life, but you survive”. So true.
And you will survive. But be gentle with yourself and give yourself time to grieve and to heal.
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Oh, my sweet friend, I am so very sorry! I will be lighting a candle for you and your darling angel baby tonight. ((Hugs))
*hugs* you are in my thoughts. I will include you in my thoughts tonight as I light a candle
I clicked over from Twitter and waned to tell you that I'm so sorry for your loss, Jenni.
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My heart just aches for you…and yet, that is so not enough…..
So, so sorry. Saying a prayer for you.
My heart aches for you and for every woman I know who has been in that position, crying from her tailbone while having to continue to be a mother to another child. I hope you are able to give yourself the space to grieve this loss. My thoughts are with you sweet friend. Be well.
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I am so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels. It’s devastating and you feel as if the pain will never end – and it won’t. But it will get better, less raw, less all-consuming. Not tomorrow though, not next week and not next month, but over time you’ll cry a little less and maybe no longer uncontrollably…
You will love this lost child forever and that is what will stay with you – love!
There are no words that can soothe your pain. So I do what comes naturally to me: I cry with you and send you much love!!!
Inger
Jenni – We have not yet created words to express the pain and sorrow that I am feeling for you and your family. And even if there were, I know all too well, that they would be useless against the anguish you’re going thought. It seems so hollow to say, “You’re not alone,” or “It’s was part of the plan”; Empty sentiments with little meaning and effect only moments after being uttered. But what I can remind you of is that you are loved, deeply, by those around you and that they too share in your pain as well and your joy. There will be Joy again. I love you too. My soul cries with yours and my thoughts are with you all.
so sorry for your loss Jenni, love from me xx
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I am so so very sorry to hear this. I wish there was something I could say to make it easier, but all I can say is if you need to vent or scream or cry I am more than willing to listen.
just want to say hi and i get it and i'm sorry for your loss.
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I’m so sorry for you. Just keep the faith and try again. Joe lost his son at 5 months from SIDS. I will keep you in my prayers…… it will happen I just know it.
Oh God. My heart is breaking for you. I’m so, so sorry.
I am so sorry for this loss. 2month, 2 minutes, 2 years.. you made space for it in your heart, in your lives, and it was your baby. I know your heart hurts, my friend. I am sending you big hugs of support and strength. I wish I could help in some small way.I will say a prayer for peace in your heart and strength in your soul.
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I am very sorry about your loss!!!!
I’m so sorry, Jenni. I lost my first at 6 weeks, and it was heartbreaking. My thoughts are with you.
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Oh honey. I'm so sorry!
Sending you love. A few days later, but still.
I just found your blog from STIS and I am so glad I read this. Your words capture my feelings as well. I sympathize completely and hold your experience dear as a kindred experience.
Thank you so much.
*cyber hug*