Hello Depression. 1, 2, 3, down they go.

The clock struck midnight and we didn’t even know it.

A new year was starting as we stood, teary-eyed and paralyzed.

He said he would leave me if I didn’t get help.

For a moment, I didn’t care either way.

***

The darkness had become too much.

The anxiety…

The rage…

I blamed him.

I blamed my family.

The family that needed more than I had.

I blamed a traumatic birth.

I blamed being split in two.

I blamed circumstance.

I blamed my baby…

The baby that needed to be held 20 hours a day.

The baby that screamed endlessly.

The baby that made me cry…

made me scream…

made me smile…

made me ill with life.

I blamed myself.

***

The word “depression” was hard to find…

clouded by actual, real life hardships.

“It’s not me.  Anyone would think this all sucked.”

Was it my outlook or was it all the crap life was throwing at me?

Did it matter?

***

It all felt wrong.

I didn’t belong here.

I took a wrong turn.

These thoughts were unwanted.

This life was not mine.

***

I felt myself failing.

Failing at the public “happy face”.

Failing as a wife.

Failing as a mother.

Failing to live.

I was too exhausted to tread water.

***

And now…

1, 2, 3, down they go…

Every day they travel to my brain.

The black and grey are slowly lifting…

I breathe…

and I fight.

I fight.

I fight every day…

the feeling of not having been good enough on my own.

 

 

 

Discussion

  1. I love you. A lot.
    nic @mybottlesup recently posted..savoring the sweet

  2. Me and you both, sister.

    We’ll pull through…this wonderful thing called the internet…where we can connect, and write, and get lost in our words, and give a voice to who we are.

    We will make it.

    And we are all here, just a typekey away.

    We’ll make it ,beautiful lady. Cold, snowy, grey, dismal January just about kills me….
    Alexandra/The Empress recently posted..The Year Was 2010 B.B. (Before Blogging)

  3. Post partum depression is one of nature’s cruelest jokes on mothers. Good for you for getting help; you are joining a league of noble fighters. You’ll feel a lot better very soon and life will be easier to swallow. Take care.
    – Z x0
    PS: If you are able to access my email, I would happy to give you support and some coping tips I learned the hard way.

  4. I’m so glad the darkness is lifting. I know this place. Fight it hard & don’t give up. You can do this.
    Kim recently posted..Clean Kitchens and Laundry

  5. Oh, my dear. I have been there. You are not alone. YOU. ARE. NOT. ALONE. No matter how deeply you may feel that, you are NOT alone.
    Milaka recently posted..Spectacular Spectacular

  6. I can’t tell you enough — we are right here with you. I take my meds every day and they help me to be the person I was MEANT to be before my fucked up neurotransmitters decided that they could go on vacation and screw up my life. Feel free to troll my site under the Depression category, I’ve written a couple of things if you want to hear someone else’s story, if that’s the kind of thing that helps you. It’s probably not your thing to have discussions with a complete stranger (in the one-on-one sense, not the blog post sense obviously), but if you ever want to chat directly, you’ve got my email address. All my best!
    Venus recently posted..Red Writing Hood: xxx

  7. You will make it through beautiful girl. YOU.WILL.

  8. Gosh, I want to reach out and hug you. Raising kids and being a wife is hard,period. I can’t tell you how many days I didn’t think I would make it.
    Do whatever you need to make it and remember you are not alone.
    Lucy recently posted..Magical Moments

  9. I so know this. I really really do. (((YOU))))
    jillsmo recently posted..I win at drunk baking

  10. <3 and hugs to you. You captured that helpless feeling perfectly with your words.
    Kim Rullo recently posted..Requiem for 11 & an Opening for 12

  11. Oh honey, hugs.

    I understand all of it, and hope you’ll find your way out of that pit you [and so many other new moms, including myself x3] find yourself in. Those last two lines, I totally understand and get the agony of that horrible fight, but fight you must because being enough on our own is unrealistic. Period. Whether we seek help via pharmaceuticals, playdates, or even the damned picture box, no mommy does it ALL on her own. (hugs) and prayers that the fog continues to lift.
    heather recently posted..Run through…

  12. You are brave to get help. And you are not alone. I promise.

    {hugs}
    Alex@LateEnough recently posted..Overheard By Me Mostly While Coming Out Of My Mouth Or Sitting In My House

  13. I know all too well the feelings you’re feeling. Admitting that you need help I think is the toughest part of dealing with PPD. Next is figuring out how to be the healthiest you so you can be the best mom you can be. Be strong, mama. It takes time. You got this. And we got your back. Hugs from Pittsburgh!
    Lori @ I Can Grow People recently posted..Boring

  14. Motherhood is hard. So very hard. It’s not easy, I know, but hang in there! Even though my son is almost 4 yo, I *still* tell myself constantly what my family doc told me – a mother’s brain doesn’t go back to pre-birth “normal” until 3 years post-birth, what with all the estrogen, raging hormones, lack of sleep, etc…. So hang in there, lady. Hugs!

  15. Thank you for writing this.
    laura @ hollywood housewife recently posted..sleeping arrangements

  16. Oh honey. It’s not about you being enough on your own, but you know that. I knew that. I *know* that. It doesn’t always help. But you’re doing the right thing and I hope that does help.

  17. Oh Honey.

    I have no words but you are so loved.
    Jen recently posted..The Booger Wall

  18. I have been in that dark place. I’ve stared down the pills, convinced myself I could be fine. Wondered why, even 19 months later, I’m still not fine where I used to be. You keep on fighting. It’s hard when you’re trying to heal yourself while everything else around you needs so much. Be gentle with yourself. xo

  19. So powerful friend.

    You are so loved in this space.
    Kat recently posted..How to train a Husband

  20. Jenni! I love you!! You are amazing, and depression is evil. XOXOXO!
    Old School/New School Mom recently posted..Words That I Love Y Palabras Que Escribe Mal

  21. You are so brave and strong…even if you don’t believe it.
    I know that this space is dark and unforgiving at times. Just know that there is always a light at the end of this tunnel.
    Promise you that.
    Sending you lots of hugs and strength.
    Kimberly recently posted..The Book

  22. This makes me cry. As someone who has been there, and as someone who is always one tiny stumble away from the depths of anxiety: you are not alone. You will come out of it. Your brain will stop being such a jerk, I promise.

  23. thinking of you. im in that darkly familiar hole right now, and all I can do is tell you that you’re brave for publishing, you’re transparency is beautiful and NOT WEAK for admitting that you’re so tired you can’t even tread water. Fighting depression and self hatred is a fucking heroic battle. Im with you. *HUG*
    Frelle recently posted..Faith: I Am Always Enough

  24. I think you know many of us have been just where you are. Or were. Or sometimes still go. That doesn’t make it easier for you. So know this – any one of us? We’re her for ya. Don’t ever forget you’re incredible and worth it.
    MommaKiss recently posted..Things I learned in Louisiana.

  25. Oh, honey. I struggle with depression a lot. I’ve felt like I’ve been fighting it more lately. Been to 4 funerals in 3 months, not even adding the other deaths that have occurred that I couldn’t attend the funerals for…or haven’t had memorials yet. It sometimes just gets to be so much…

    But we can get through this. I know we can. You love your family. They love you. I love you.

    Hang in there, Jenni Tata

    Hugs.

  26. I’m so glad that you’re getting to a better place. It’s just so freaking hard…you’re a rock star.
    Rebecca @ Unexplained X2 recently posted..Way Back When-esday

  27. You know you’re not alone, that’s clear. Know this. You have already won the battle because you have been honest with yourself and you have sought help. PPD is the absolute cruelest thing we endure, so be gentle with yourself and breathe.
    Melissa recently posted..cheaper than therapy, but more incoherent

  28. A big hug to you. You are not alone…and accepting that you need help doesn’t mean you couldn’t make it on your own, it just means you are brave enough to do what it takes to be the best you you can be!
    Tracie recently posted..Understanding Depression Led to Facing Sexual Abuse

  29. I just wanted you to know that I read and heard and listened – to you.

    {My heart is with yours.}
    Galit Breen recently posted..Inch by Inch

  30. So sorry it took me days to find this and give you a cyber-hug. Depression sucks. And since my kids are now 9, I don’t think I can even claim it’s still post-partum. I just wrote about feeling like I’ve got Kryptonite in my brain, sucking all the super out of me. How it just seems to get HARDER every day. And that’s really not fair, is it? I hope you keep moving into the light, my friend.
    Varda (SquashedMom) recently posted..And we have a winner!

  31. Popping in to check on my girl.

    Has it really been so long since I saw your sweet smile?

    I’m here, if you need me, special angel…
    Alexandra/The Empress recently posted..But It’s Not A Gun

  32. You can get through this! I felt like that after my second baby too. You’re not alone.

  33. Heidi K. says:

    Beautifully written. I am still dealing with PPD after the birth of my boys ( 17 months and 2.5 years old.) I didn’t get through it with one before I got prenant with the other. It has been a very long road.

    Thank you for sharing your story.

Trackbacks

  1. […] The depression began to creep in again a couple months ago, now that our second son has been born.  I wrote about it not too long ago here. […]

  2. […] 2012 started with a pitiful bang for me as I was lost in motherhood, and struggling with depression. […]

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