How to get into my pants.

I was going to call this post “How To Get Into A Woman’s Pants”, but then I realized that is very general, and women are different depending on personality, age, circumstances, etc.  Then I thought- okay I’ll call it “How To Get Into A Married Woman”s Pants”, but still too general, considering whether or not they have children, how many, how old, blah blah… But in general, I think men and women are very different. With guys, you get into their pants simply by unzipping them. I, however, need a little bit more.

In reality, this post is about how to get into my, personal pants. Someone who is married, staying at home with a child under 2, and exhausted most of the time. Although, ladies, if you feel the need to print it out and deliver it to your significant other- be my guest.

It’s funny how sometimes when you’re in a committed relationship for a long time, you start to take for granted that the sex will always be there. That you don’t have to work for it- or worse yet, that it is owed to you.

I admit to being a complicated gal, but there are some very simple things that will put me on the track to putting out.

  • Ask me how my day was. — That means you care. I realize that you actually have no idea what my days are like or what is going on in my life. That’s because you don’t ask. But there is a tricky part to this: you have to actually then listen when I tell you about my day. Nod, ask questions, feign interest- first date style. Actually that just leads me to my second point…
  • Listen when I speak. — No one likes to feel ignored. When I say anything (anything at all) I like to feel like I’m being heard. No grunting and nodding while playing with your iphone. Make eye contact!!  It is my personal opinion that men do not know how to multitask. If you are not looking at me and are doing something else, it is impossible that you’ve heard any of the words I just uttered.
  • If you use up the toilet paper, replace it with a fresh roll. — If I’ve had to drip dry, then I’m not feeling nice and fresh, which means you don’t get to go near what’s inside my underwear. If you don’t care about my vagina, why should I let you play with it.
  • Do something just for me. — Just a little something. Not something for the both of us, or for the family, or for the house… just me. I know you’re very busy, and there probably isn’t a lot of room on your list of “things to do” for me. But if there is no room for me on your list- there is probably no room for your penis in my vagina. PLEASE NOTE: the whole fresh roll of toilet paper thing doesn’t count here.
  • Get chatty. — If I haven’t seen you in a couple days, I wanna know what you’ve been up to. I need to feel close to you. Tell me you’ve missed me. I’m a stay at home mom- I don’t get a lot of adult conversation. Talk my ear off!! Then, maybe jump my bones.
  • Thank me. — Every once in a while, thank me for making you breakfast, lunch, and dinner. For ironing your clothes. For cleaning the house. For raising our son. I don’t get paid to do any of these things, so I should at least get some thanks. If  I feel like simply your maid or chef, I most certainly won’t feel like being your lover. (Unless there is a maid or chef costume involved, then- maybe).
  • Cuddle, damnit. — Hold me, touch me, caress me when you’re NOT TRYING TO GET INTO MY PANTS. There’s nothing hotter than knowing there is no motive behind a gentle touch.
  • Don’t make me feel like I owe it to you. — If I am not in the mood, don’t roll your eyes and sigh like when someone cuts you off on the highway. Just because I am your wife, it doesn’t mean I have to put out whenever you want it.  Perhaps ask if anything is wrong, or if I really am just too “exhausted”.  The ring on my finger is not connected to a nerve that leads directly to my clitoris.
  • Tell me I’m pretty. — Yes, I’m a girl and I like to hear it. Even when I don’t know how to graciously accept the compliment.
  • Let me get a freakin shower! — Volunteer to help with child watching in the morning so I can groom too. If I’m crusty and stinky, I’m not feeling sexy.
  • Magically create 1 hour in the day that I can have just to myself. — Okay, I know this last one may not be possible… but if it were, boy would we be doing it like bunnies.

For the most part, none of these things are hard to do. But I think sometimes, we get so caught up in the stress of our everyday lives, that it’s easy to forget simple things like eye contact, a thank you here and there, a gentle touch, common grooming…

Basically, don’t take me for granted. I’ve given up a lot to stay home and raise our family. I’m not asking for diamonds (although they are sparkly and pretty and I really, really like them). I just don’t want to feel that because we got married, it means we’re stuck with each other and you don’t have to care anymore.

The things listed above are about caring. Nothing makes me hornier than knowing that you love the crap outta me. If you can get most of them down… you’ll find I can be a bit of  a slut.

Read instructions first.


22 responses to “How to get into my pants.”

  1. Carabee says:

    I am sending this to my husband. Like yesterday. All of these are so easy, why is it so hard to help a mama out now and then? They WILL reap the rewards. Men.

  2. Jennefer says:

    Thanks for putting to paper clear, concise and direct words what so many of us wish we could string together into 1 logical sentence to copy, paste, repeat for our significant. I couldn’t' agree more and I will even go one step further … there might be more of our family for me to dote upon if I felt like I was loved and appreciated. Take that as you will … <3 Thanks girl, after one of those “eye rolling” nights last night, I needed to wake up to this.

  3. This title made me LOL. I recall whining to my bf of 5 years about all of these things last night. Ah, c'est la vie. Glad I found your site through SITS! Very funny writing.

  4. Sarah says:

    Ha! It’s so simple yet… so seemingly difficult to actually achieve. ;0)

    Stopping by from SITS
    My recent post It Was the Best of Both

  5. Belly Girl says:

    Oh man, I could have written this list. If I were a dude, I'd be gettin SO MUCH action, because it's so freakin simple! Don't they realize that!
    My recent post Rushing

  6. Sharni says:

    Ahahaha I love it. And SO TRUE – I agree men cannot multi-task! it is a fact!
    My recent post Good God !

  7. Lee says:

    I have already printed this, and I will be posting it on my husband’s mirror in our bedroom. That way, I won’t have to TALK about all my FEELINGS and crap anymore–I can just point to the list and say “Have you checked everything off the list? Well then, come back when you have.”

  8. Laura says:

    My husband actually uses the ‘men can’t multitask’ as an excuse. yeesh.
    I was nodding along as I read this post and couldn’t begin to count the times I have received an eye roll and then snapped something like “don’t you make me feel bad! Perhaps if I’d been able to shower/nap/etc today then I would be more ‘in the mood'”.

  9. “There’s nothing hotter than knowing there is no motive behind a gentle touch.” <---- THIS. After reading your post, I was actually worried we were married to the same guy! I feel you on EVERYTHING on your list. I'm going to accidently on-purpose whoopsie I didn't mean to leave this post open on my computer. Subtle, huh?

  10. haha! I love it. And, I totally agree on the multi-tasking. I feel I have to get my hubs out of the house and away from his TV in order to get his attention. Ridiculous!

    Thanks for linking up with Saturday Sound Off!
    My recent post Things I Love Thursday: Skin MD Lotion (plus discount)

  11. Erin says:

    I totally agree with you on this and have to say that this list echos everything that I have ever told my husband.

  12. Jill says:

    I think you just wrote what I’ve been witching to my husband about almost every month for 10 years… I think he could pretty much recite it back to me at this point. Does he do it? Hell no… he seems to think it’s too easy and good to be true…
    My recent post Spring Break 2010; Peace, Privacy, and Pachyderm Poo

  13. Gotta be a guy says:

    Hmmm, Might be intresting to hear this from the Hot Nerd’s perspective?

  14. beccareed says:

    haha this is hilarious and honest. i loved reading it!
    My recent post it’s a…

  15. Hehe… Men will be men.

    Thanks for the list. Some good advice on there for me:) But some aren’t that easy.
    My recent post Fjern lugt fra sure sko

  16. Crystal says:

    Bravo sista!! We should all create our own “how to” list and it should be given to our hubby after the birth of our first born …because despite how we feel and what we say, kiddos change sex! This is awesome, awesome, awesome!!!

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