I stepped on it.

Her: (teary) In times of crisis, a lot of couples end up becoming closer.  I need you to help see me through this.

Him: I thought I was made of stronger stuff… I’m not.  In this case, I think you’re better off without me.

Her: You fucker.  Does for better or worse mean anything to you?

Him: This isn’t “worse”… this is “weird”.  I never said for better or for weird.  I don’t know how to handle this.  I can’t compartmentalize this in my brain…

Plus… it kinda makes me dry heave a little.

Her: (quietly)  I’ve heard of people living completely normal lives after something like this.

Him: Maybe…

Her: NO ONE NEEDS ALL TEN TOES!  And it’s just the pinky… it’s the least important  one!

Him: I can’t do it! I’m so so sorry!  My life would change too dramatically.  We’d have to move somewhere cold so you’d never have to wear sandals.  I’d have to give up my favorite sports party snack of cocktail wieners.  You’d have to wear socks while we make love. And I’ll always have to walk on your right side… because you, you know… tilt, a little…

Her: Are you fucking kidding me? (picking up a picture of them)  Do you see this picture? Do you remember this Christmas?  Remember when you said you’d love me even if I lost all my hair in some freak hairspray and Christmas light accident?

Him: Hair grows back…

Look, if you lost a leg, or even an ear. I would have to stay because it would make me a huge dick if I left you.  But this… this is just small enough… that I’m sure in time… everyone will forgive me.

Her: Just small enough??

Him: It’s not that you lost a toe, alright?  It’s that you lost most of your toe. Most of it.  There’s a nub.  A nub.  I can’t handle the nub.  It moves back and forth.  It sort of… wags… (he begins to gag)

Her: You asshole… (She throws the framed picture of the two of them out the window).

Him: (hearing it shatter) Don’t do that!  That’s glass.  Someone outside could step on that.

Her: Oh, God forbid someone step on it and injure their perfect five-toed foot!

Him: Now you know why the movie “The Box” gave me such horrible nightmares…


(He picks up a suitcase, grabs his ipod from the table, places a cheese-shaped, foam hat on his head, and walks silently out the door.)

***  I stepped on this picture… in the back alley, near my garage.

I don’t know how it got there.

That stuff up above?

I made that shit up.

19 responses to “I stepped on it.”

  1. Delena says:

    best. story. ever.

  2. Love it!!! I’m going to have to start to ridiculously dramatize all of my “accidents.”

  3. Crystal says:

    Is it bad that I was laughing????? Because I found it funny…and I kind of gagged a little too!!!!

  4. The Sweetest says:

    omg, you might be the best story teller ever. i was totally prepared to embrace the newly deformed you.

  5. ha! I love imagining things like this. Like when you see a random shoe on the side of the road.

  6. Elena says:

    Freaking hilarious! A great way to end a Monday.

  7. Anna Barnett says:

    OMG! That was hysterical! I love it!


  8. Minky {moo} says:

    Well. As someone who is currently suffering from toe issues I don’t find this amusing at all! Ok I TOTALLY did. I love when you write dialogue stories. Too funny!
    Sorry about the picture, but I’m glad you didn’t lose a toe!

  9. i want to take a vacation inside your head.

  10. Michelle says:

    Every time I come here, I’m left mega entertained, confused, introspective, or in awe… How the fuck do you do that?
    You’re kinda freaking me out.

  11. Mama Bear says:

    Thank you for making this guerrilla fictionalization ok. I do it ALL the TIME. At bus stops. In restaurants. When I see an abandoned shoe on the side of the road. Never really admitted it. Never dreamed of actually posting it. I love you for boldly being you. Helps us be us.

  12. JennyBean says:

    “For better or for weird.” I love it!!!

  13. Kimberly says:

    Creative and clever. I love reading what you write. Mainly because it’s unpredictable and I like that in my literature.

  14. I was holding my breath…I thought u lost your fucking pinky toe.I was having all these flashes of me and Laura pushing you and your probably big bellied preggers, missing a pinky toe self around at BlogHer as we were drunko n her case of wine she’s bringing.Just so you know…I’d drunk push you around anytime! Now, keep those piggies in tact and go get your baby dancing freak on!

  15. Love your warped imagination 🙂

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