First, let me say this to my Christian readers who believe the words of Harold Egbert Camping :
I will miss you.
I have truly loved having you as readers, and though I’m sure we’ve been on opposite sides of the fence at some point, I still wish you the best. Rapture. Ever.
Now, I am probably considered a heathen, and will be staying here on Earth for a little while longer. At least five months, right?
I do, however, believe in being prepared, and here are some things that can be done to make the transition for all of us easier. So, if you are planning on soaring up into the heavens on May 21st at 6 pm in your time zone, here are a few things to consider.
- Don’t drive at that time. And if you are a pilot or train operator, perhaps it’s best not to show up for work.
- Don’t eat a huge meal. Flying can make people queasy, and I imagine flying without a plane is even worse. Think of us poor people down below.
- Sign your pets up for After The Rapture Pet Care. For a mere $10 your furry friend will be matched with someone left behind, who will promise to feed and care for them in the midst of Armageddon.
- Move your expensive stuff onto your front lawn. Or if it’s too heavy, just leave your door unlocked. There are hundreds of after the Rapture looting parties scheduled. Consider it your last good deed.
- Say goodbye and leave important documents to specific people who are unsaved. Sign up at You’ve Been Left Behind. They offer a “Rapture triggered emailing system”. You can upload and send documents to email addresses of your choosing. The system is “triggered” after three of their staff members fail to log in for three days after the Rapture. They will wait another three days just to be safe.
- Cancel your magazine subscriptions. That’s just common courtesy.
As for me, I’ll be celebrating that day.
It just so happens my son’s third birthday coincides with judgment day.
I knew he was a powerful one right from the start.
So, if you’ve got no other plans, raise a glass, or a cupcake, in honor of my son already turning into a damn fine human being.
I plan on having a lovely day.
There won’t be an ascension into the clouds.
But I bet I’ll have balloons.