If it were the “shawty” awards, I would win.

Do you know what the Shorty Awards are?

It’s basically a way to honor producers of the best short, real time content-  in other words, tweets!

You all know about my addiction to Twitter, so I was super excited when I was nominated for a Shorty in the category of humor.  But here’s the catch- you’re supposed to campaign for yourself.  People vote for you with a tweet, and the “Shorties” actually encourage you to ask anyone who follows you you vote… to campaign… hard.

It’s a popularity contest.

But who doesn’t want to be popular?

I totally tried it…

for almost a full day.

It started to make the back of my throat taste like mustard.

It was like 6th grade all over again, when I was nominated for class president, didn’t make any signs, didn’t tell people why they should vote for me, and then was disappointed when I didn’t win.

I just have a hard time polluting my twitter stream with pleads for votes.

It’s probably a good thing that I’m not one the finalists.  I would surely buckle under the pressure to be funny- sweat trickling down my face, as I read a tweet twenty times over before hitting send.

But, in honor of the Shorty Award finalists bbeing announced, and them competing for the judges this month, here is my Shorty interview that hardly anyone saw.

If it were a “shawty” contest, I surely would’ve won, even without campaigning.  I would’ve had to change out of the yoga pants I’ve been wearing for six days straight… but after that, I would be the clear winner.

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with Jenni Chiu

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What’s your best tweet?

Why call it a “snatch”? I’ve been trying to quickly grab things with it- but all I did was twist my knee.

What are six things you could never do without?

My husband, son… wait, you mean “things”. I could do without most “things”. Wouldn’t want to- especially my iPhone… but could.

What’s your favorite Twitter app?

Tweetdeck. I found it because sometimes I don’t read well, and I thought it said Tweetdick. Best mistake I ever made.

Twitter or Facebook?

Facebook is the twin of Twitter. The one that didn’t get enough nutrients in the womb.

What was the funniest trend you’ve seen?

I enjoyed #moviesinmypants

Who do you wish had a Twitter feed but doesn’t?

My subconscious. I’d like to know what it’s up to… also what it eats for breakfast… a twitpic every now and then would be nice…

What are some words or phrases you refuse to shorten for brevity?

Most of them. Here are the few that I will use- pic, convo, OMG.

Is there someone you want to follow you who doesn’t already? If so, who?

@Stana_Katic – she was my replacement in a theatre show many years ago, so I’m pretty sure she owes her entire career to me. Also, @AlyssaMilano because, meow

Have you ever unfollowed someone? Who and why?

All the time… because they’re boring, spammy, combative, or turn out to be ex boyfriends.

Why should we vote for you?

If you don’t, I’ll come to your house and lick all your silverware. Also… I’m nice.

Terms you wish would start trending on Twitter right now?

MommyNaniBooboo, Jenni Chiu, oh… and world peace.

What’s the most interesting connection you’ve made through Twitter?

Someone who knew someone, who knew someone else, who runs some stuff in Vegas. Also… everyone else.

Hashtag you created that you wish everyone used?

#ThingsYouCantUnLive …

How do you make your tweets unique?

I think them up myself.

What inspires you to tweet?

Social change, laughing at the universe, my kid, my ego… also, my overdeveloped, magnanimous need to give back… and sometimes poop.

Ever get called out for tweeting too much?

My husband hates when I tweet during sex, but that’s about it.

140 characters of advice for a new user?

You’re a drop in a puddle, so make big ripples. Also, you’re above average- tweet like it! PS- take breaks to hydrate.

How long can you go without a tweet?

I’m sorry, what was the question? I had to send a quick tweet.

What question are we not asking here that we should?

If you had to choose between never tweeting again, being allergic to chocolate, or ripping off your pinky nail, what would it be?

How do you imagine Twitter changing?

Less spammy times are a comin’…

Who do you admire most for his or her use of Twitter?

Alyssa Milano – she’s the queen. She uses it for fun. She uses it for good. She uses it to connect. She’s the connecty fun of good.

Who is the funniest person on Twitter that you follow?

Steve Martin. The funniest not person… funny Or die.

What is one of the biggest misconceptions of Twitter?

That it’s like Facebook. Or that it’s a site for birds.

Why should people follow you?

I’ll give you my heart and soul, wrapped in a pretty bow, dipped in poop, and run through the washer on cold. Can’t find that anywhere else.

Can you name some one-of-a-kind Twitter accounts that you follow?

@ieatmykidzsnack @DioraBaird1 @mommywantsvodka @rainnwilson @RedHourBen @diablocody @jane_bot @JerryThomas @Minervity … I mean, yes….

How do you decide what to tweet?

It is decided by the proximity of my iPhone to my fingers.

Why’d you start tweeting?

Twitter told me to.

How will the world change in the next year?

It will be more forgiving.

What are some big Twitter faux pas?

Full on conversations about what you made for dinner. I don’t actually want a convo. That’s why I’m on twitter, not on that telephone thing.

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