If my phlegm doesn’t kill me, my spotty reception will.


When I am on the phone, the last thing I want to do is have someone on the other end hear me pee in the bathroom.  However, because I had been transferred and on hold for fifteen minutes – I had to chance it.  Apparently, self-diagnosed bronchitis makes you cough up a lung and almost drown in your own phlegm.  That’s why I refused to hang up and call back after peeing.  I was serious about getting an appointment with my doctor.

I also knew on some level that the best way to not be on hold anymore was to do something that would make it inconvenient to have an actual conversation with someone.  I was sure that the minute I started peeing, someone would finally pick up on the other line.

I was right.

Of course I did not flush.  I wouldn’t want to solidify the nurse’s suspicion of what I may have been doing.

My toddler began screaming to be set free from his highchair, and I obliged while confirming with the nurse that I did not feel faint or have any pain in my chest.

She missed half of what I was saying and I spent the next two minutes walking around the house saying, “Can you hear me now?  Can you hear me?”

When I finally found a pocket of good reception, I was trapped.  If I wanted to keep this call going and eventually get my ass in to see my doctor, I could not move from the 3 foot by 3 foot square in front of my bedroom window.

My toddler sensed this…

naturally he bolted to the other side of the house.

I began to follow, but  almost immediately the woman on the other end started  saying, “I can’t hear you again. Please try again…”

So I shouted, “NO! I’m here! Can you hear me now?”

And I stayed in my pocket…

and I answered a series of questions…

and I was told there were no appointments today or tomorrow.

As she was telling me about going to Urgent Care if needed, I heard splahing.

I hung up…

and I ran…

to find my toddler throwing toilet water in the air…

from the toilet I didn’t flush.

So that’s all I have to tell you today.

There will be no thought provoking blog post…

just me drowning in my own phlegm,

with no doctor’s appointment,

and a kid who just played in my pee.


jenni chiu sig

6 responses to “If my phlegm doesn’t kill me, my spotty reception will.”

  1. Jen says:

    *sigh* A sick mom’s life is so glamours.

    Feel better soon.

  2. Alison says:

    Oh man.
    I’m sorry. For all the pee play.
    And the phlegm. I have a bunch of my own, I think I *did* cough up a lung.

  3. You know what I discovered? You can pee safely while on the phone with someone if you put them on “mute.” They’ll never know! It’s my secret. Wait, now everyone knows!

  4. Marta says:

    Oh man, that is bad. That is really really bad.

    And I pee often when I’m on the phone and never flush. I feel like I’ve been warned.

  5. Erin says:

    Love you! It could haven even so more then that!

  6. Debi says:

    I’m sending you healthy feel better vibes. I too have had to pee when on hold and it NEVER fails that they answer while you are pissing or worse! I know it is gross that the baby played in peepee but hey, it’s sterile and it could have been so much worse and for the love of God woman, GO TO THE URGENT CARE!!! That is my second home. Take care and be well.

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