I’m pretty sure AT&T is responsible for many deaths.

The automated voice asked me if the number I was calling from was the number on the account. I said, “no.”

It then told me it could not find that number associated with any account.

“That’s why I said no, dumb ass.” *click*

breathe…

Do over.

The automated voice heard me right the second time, and after punching in my account number I was put on hold for about 5 minutes.

It was during these five minutes that my toddler stopped headbutting me to instead attack me with a Play Doh snake, and force me to eat an imaginary cake with hash browns on top.

Hello, this is Suzie. How can I help you today?

I have a bundle package, and I’d like to cancel our internet and cable while just keeping the phone service.

May I have the account number please.

(You mean the one I just typed in five minutes ago?) Sure, ***-***-****.

Okay, thank you.  Who am I speaking with?

Jennifer.

Thanks Jennifer.  May I ask why you are canceling with us today?

Purely financial reasons.

I actually can’t handle any cancellations, so let me go ahead and transfer you to our cancellations department.

I am then on hold for another ten minutes.  It is at this time that I put my son in his highchair in front of a pile of snacks and turn on his favorite television show.  I’m in it for the long haul.

Good afternoon, this is Gerald. What can I do for you today?

*sigh* I have a bundle package but would like to cancel my internet as well as cable.

I’m sorry to hear that. What is your reason for canceling?

Financial.

Can I have your account number please?

*sigh* ***-***-****

I see you have a bundle package.  I may be able to adjust some of the channels you receive and save you about $10 a month.  Would you be interested in that?

No we’d like to get rid of the cable service all together.

I could take HBO off your package and give you STARZ for free for the first three months.

*eye twitching*  No.  We’re going to go ahead and get rid of all the channels.  We don’t want cable anymore.  Or the internet service.  Just the land line.

Okay, I can take care of that for you.  If you do change your mind, just give us a call.  Would you like the service to be discontinued this week?

Yes please.  Tomorrow if possible.

(from the other room) MA MA! MA MA! MA MA! ALL DONE! GET DOWN! ALL DONE!

Before we do that.  I’ve just gotten permission to give you a five dollar credit on your bill for three months if you keep your cable service.

*slapping my knee repeatedly just for fun*  If I didn’t take the $10 off, why would I want $5 off?

I’ll go ahead and put your request in.

Can you tell me how much just the phone service will be.

I am with the Dish service.  I will cancel your cable service, but will have to transfer you to AT&T so they can handle your internet and phone needs.

Wait, I just talked to AT&T-

I’m put on hold again.  I attempt to crack my knuckles (which I could never do) to prepare myself for yet another round of giving my name, account number, and why I’m fucking calling.  I peek in on Bam Bam and he is physically scooting his entire highchair across the dining room floor.  I run over and release him from his chair jail while handing him two books to keep him busy.

Hello, this is (insert some bland name here).  Thank you for calling AT&T, how can I be of service?

*Taking a ballpoint pen and shoving the tip under my thumbnail as hard as I can.*  I was transferred here from Dish to cancel my internet service.

Can I have your account number please?

Really?  Because I’ve given it at least four times already.

For security purposes I do need your account number.

***-***-****

Thank you.  May I ask why you would like to discontinue your service?

No, you may not.

I’m sorry?  What is the reason you are canceling with us?

The speed sucks.

Let me check and see what we can do…

No.  When we moved here, I was told this speed was all that was offered in our area.  I thought we could deal.  We can’t.  It’s like living in the 1991.  I’d like to cancel.

It looks like that is the only speed that is offered right now in you area…

*Using ballpoint pen to scoop out left eyeball*  RIGHT.  CANCEL IT.  We just want the phone service.  That’s it.   Nothing else.

It looks like you have a bundle package. I can help you with your internet and phone needs, but for the cable service, I’ll have to transfer you to Dish-

NO!  *gnawing the skin on my right shoulder*  I just came from Dish. I just need you to cancel my internet.

Alright, I can do that for you. But before I do that-

No.  *handing my bloody left eyeball to my son to play with*  No need to do anything before… just wanna cancel the service.

I can cancel it for you.  I’d also like to offer you a reduced price by…

*stabbing myself repeatedly in the gut with the fork I used to eat my eggs*  No… ow… thank you… OW!

Alright.  So, you’d like to discontinue your service altogether, am I right?

I no longer want the internet or cable services.  I’d like to keep the phone service.

Okay, no problem.  I just need to transfer you to a manager to verify that you’re canceling with us.

Wait, I’m getting transferred again-

At this point, my son is having a terrific time playing fetch with the dogs and my eyeball.  You would think with all the blood I was losing I wouldn’t be so focused on the fact that I had to pee.

Good afternoon.  This is (manager sounding name), I just need to verify some information with you.  Can I have your account number please?

*knocking my teeth out with the corner of my toaster oven*  It’s ***-***-****!

Thank you.  And I see here that you had a bundle package with us, but would like to cancel?

Yeth.  I want to canthel the internet and cable, but not the phone.  I want the phone in case of emergenthies.

Looks like you’ve been a customer for a while.  We’d love to keep you.  What I can do is offer-

NO THANK YOU!  *drawing pictures of snoopy on my walls with blood*  Just the phone.

Alrighty, we will go ahead and do that for you. And you want to keep the phone service, correct?

I’m tired.

Okay then.  If you do change your mind…

*whimpering on my kitchen floor*  Can you tell me… how much… the monthly payment ith… for jutht the phone thervith?

Sure.  That will be a payment of just $19.95

*gurgle* Juth for local calling? No call waiting.  No three way.  No long dithtanth.

Yes ma’am.  Unlimited local calling.

But… it’s five dollarth on our thtatement.

That’s the price of phone service with a bundle package.  If you’d like to keep your bundle, I can-

*whimper*

You’re set then.  Is there anything else I can help you with today?

I’m dying…

Very good then.  Thank you for calling AT&T.

*****

PS-  At least 48% of the above post actually happened.

 

 

 



30 responses to “I’m pretty sure AT&T is responsible for many deaths.”

  1. Alicia says:

    Thanks, Jennifer, for the great giggle! I feel your pain — none of those phone calls are ever fast, efficient or pleasant. Good for you for hanging in there while keeping your son safe and holding your bladder! 😉

  2. LOL!I laugh but only because I’ve had this very conversation with Comcast and At&T many times. I don;t understand why they can;t understand “Just cancel the fucking service” do they get retention commission? ARGH, I’m glad you survived the entire ordeal..even if it is sans an eyeball with a shoulder that’s been chewed on:) *Hugs*

  3. I find that if you start saying things they won’t want recorded (“This call is being recorded for training and verification”), they get mighty helpful really quickly. Sentences like, “You are not helpful and I am dissatisfied with your performance today,” as well as, “You have not satisfied my needs and I’ll need to speak with a supervisor if you don’t move this along,” make the customer service zombies snap to attention, raise their eyes from their scripts and start LISTENING.

    Nobody wants to be the subject of the industrial How to Get Fired Because You Drive the Customers Insane.

  4. Oh how I hate AT&T. Seriously. They are a pain in the ass and I feel your pain. You handled that way more graciously than I could have. Because it would’ve been nice to yell “do I need to come through that phone and kick you in the junk?!”

  5. Lenette says:

    OMG. That has happened to me on more than one occasion. You articulated it PERFECTLY.

  6. Ugh, I feel your pain. I hate when they say “I can do that for you. And while we’re waiting…”

    How many different things can they offer, and does anybody ever actually take them up on something?! Without shooting themselves in the head?

  7. Samantha says:

    I wonder who writes these retention scripts. I had a similar conversation with Comcast about cancelling– I moved out of state to a place Comcast didn’t even HAVE service and they still were trying to offer me a better deal so I’d remain a customer.

  8. mama_pez says:

    Arggghhh! Dish. *shudder*

  9. Sarah says:

    Oh, I feel for you! I’ve been there. Fortunately, where we live now, the people I get on the phone seem to be relatively competent! (Knock on wood– because I may have just jinxed myself…)

  10. Alex says:

    I just had to listen to my husband order a movie on our cable service in a weird American accent (we’re Australian) just to get the automated service to understand what the hell he was saying.

    You have my sympathy.

  11. You also have my sympathy.
    I’ve been reduced to angry tears a few times – my nemesis isn’t phone company but the gawd damn government. They’re the worst kind of idiots.

  12. That was hilarious.

    You should come to Malaysia and experience the kind of customer service we receive over the phone. I called the local postal service about a package I did not receive – they had just dropped a card in my mailbox informing me of said package. I had to speak to at least 5-6 people, explaining what I wanted (for them to resend package). To each one I had to repeat myself at least twice, as they could not understand English very well. I was swearing profusely by the end of the call for some reason.

    Oh, I HAVE NOT RECEIVED SAID PACKAGE. I think I can forget about it. Gah.

  13. omg…i hate them. MY eye started twitching just from reading this!

    best line: *gnawing the skin on my right shoulder*

  14. c.c. says:

    oh my god, girl! you crack me up!!! i haven’t been over in ages. so sorry. i need to pop over here more often. you are such a riot!

  15. BWAHAAAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!! LOL!!!! ROLLING!!! Tell it Jen!
    Sharon Catherine

  16. I just spent 28 minutes on the phone with Vonage trying to cancel our landline only to be told that I have to call back July 1 if I want to have it cancelled then and not now. (We’re paid up til then already.) The only thing that kept me from digging my heart out with a grapefruit spoon was thinking about your post.

    Oh, and my favorite part of the conversation? I had to repeat my phone number 3 times because the connection was bad. Their connection.

  17. Kathryn says:

    Oh my gosh, I seriously went through pretty much the exact same thing recently! (except I ended up drawing photos of Mickey Mouse with my blood, not Snoopy) I understand that they have the script they have to say and the steps they have to go through, but when they stop listening to a word you’re saying, that’s when I lose my mind. This post was truly awesome- so hilarious!

  18. carol anne says:

    Oh.my.gosh. I’m reading this months later from the BlogHer Voices of the Year post. I laughed so hard I cried. I had almost the same experience with Comcast except we’d just added the bundle package. For some reason our channels stopped working so I called. The customer service rep told me the channels did not work because the phone had yet to be installed (you know the phone I was calling them on). I spent an hour on the phone only to have the channels restored and phone shut off. *cries* It took 2 days to get everything straightened out.

  19. Elita says:

    This is absolutely hilarious! The worst part is asking over and over again for your fucking account number! Then they ask you to verify your full name, address and pin # sometimes too. Like, who the hell would call the phone or cable company for shits & giggles?

  20. Lawmommy says:

    I landed on this post from another post about BlogHer – thank you for the hilarity!

    I have been reduced to hysteria by Sprint multiple times, and once Verizon told me that they had to charge me a $600 cancellation fee because I “shouldn’t have purchased a home outside of Verizon’s service area” – (and I was just trying to switch our bundled service to a house 6 miles away from the house where I had Verizon service, as if checking to see if a home is within the Verizon service area is a rational thing to do when buying and selling real estate.)

  21. […] And to Noa, Alex, Cecily, Bon, Eden, Annie, Darryl, Diane, Kate, Stacey, Brit, Kristin, and Jenni, thank you for letting me share a stage with you. I have never felt simultaneously so celebrated […]

  22. Stephanie says:

    I have absolutely been in that situation with children doing who knows what while I talk to some fool from (insert any big company). I am reading all your top posts. You have a gift! Thanks for the humor.

  23. […] That’s like asking which kid I love more. Some of the ones that have done well are:  I’m Pretty Sure AT&T is Responsible for Many Deaths (I love that I got to read this one at BlogHer’11 for Voices of the Year.) Delusions of […]

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