It’s my blogiversary. Yay! I’m confused.

I’m so big and strong now.

I know so much.

I’m all grown up.

Look at me!

I

can

walk.

That’s it- I can walk. It has been one year since my very first post. Like most one year olds, I feel like a champion because of everything I’ve learned and experienced, as I stand, all by myself on my two feet. But my shit eating grin quickly morphs into bewilderment because I don’t really know what to do next.

I’m walking… for the sake of walking… exploring… in a big ole’ circle. Sometimes too fast. Sometimes falling on my bottom.

One year isn’t really all that long. But, I think I thought I would feel a little less…

confused.

When I first started blogging, I was a new mother, all of a sudden staying home, sleepy, desperate, and stressed. You, dear sweet interwebz, were my lifeline, and things came spilling out of me and onto this site. This past year has been unusually, nay- bizarrely trying. Thank you for bearing witness.

(This is the clip show part…)

From almost losing our little Shih Tzu- Lucy, to overcoming the stress and helplessness of having a colicky baby.

I even reminisced about my awkward childhood, and those blue moon times when I felt I had “won”. I was BlogHer of the week for that one, which made my inner, gawky, pre-pubescent swell with pride.

I still struggle daily with the balance of clutching onto my own hopes, and aspirations, and being a dedicated mother.

Somehow, because of you guys, I’ve been able to laugh at myself, and my sometimes horrifically ridiculous life. My son is now two, and lives in his fourth home. Nothing can make one feel more put upon than having to move. But, sometimes you have no choice when you’ve moved into an apartment made of paper mache, that begins to fall apart the day you move in, because it’s not really an apartment at all, just some kind of fake, trick apartment.

Then I almost stabbed the swine flu in the eye.

I lost my mind on many occasions, and had some demon thoughts about a smoke detector.

I’ve been covered in puke, poop, or pee on a weekly basis.

What’s gotten me through a lot of these times is this website, and of course, my family. Bam Bam makes me hoot and holler daily, as well as inspires poetry. And I’m amazed at how Hot Nerd can show true acts of love at the unlikeliest of times, and places (Everytime I have a bowel movement I smile a little.)

Even if he does need help every now and then on how to get my juices flowing.

And if he can’t do it, I suppose I could always go visit my OB/GYN’s restroom.

Anything to help me through this latest challenge- invisible  biting bugs.

In truth, I’ve learned a lot.

And for that, I am grateful.

So now, at this present moment, I feel that the past year has been pretty full. Looking back I have learned so much about myself as a mother, wife, person, and writer.

So why am I so confused?

The more I learn, the more questions I ask.

And I don’t know where I am going.

Do I write for me?

Do I write for you?

What is my focus?

What is my style?

Am I humorous? Heartwarming? Spiritual? Profane?

I don’t know.

I’m just walking…

walking around…

with a champion’s smile, and the occasional look of bewilderment.

I don’t know where I’m going.

But I hope you’ll come with me.

Because who the hell knows what’ll happen next.