Longest weekend ever. aka- If the Swine Flu were a person, I would stab him in the eye.

I guess I must be Super Woman. Who knew?

The longest weekend ever began on Thursday.

Bam Bam had been sick all week, but I had managed to keep pretty healthy… until Thursday morning. I woke up with a splitting headache, sore throat, and some sort of strange, unproductive hack. I chose to ignore the ickiness I was feeling, and pretend to be healthy. I needed the energy to wrestle my son, and force the dreaded blue suction bulb up his nose.

Later that afternoon, Hot Nerd calls from work and says he is feeling pretty awful. NOT GOOD. Both parents can never, ever be sick at the same time! The household will fall apart. So… I decide I am healthy. Done.

Hot Nerd comes home from work early looking not-so-hot. We take his temp and it’s 102. He’s all achy and shivery, and it’s off to bed for him. The weekend will start early because there will be no going to work in his condition. Plus, he probably got sick from all the stupids in his office who showed up with fevers.  STAY HOME, PEOPLE!

I too feel achy, but I take my temp, and I am a lovely 98, reaffirming my I- am- not- sick- attitude.

I put Hot Nerd (whom I will now call Sick Nerd, for the purpose of this post) into quarantine and try to explain to my 16 month old that Daddy is off limits for a few days. I guess it’s a concept that is still beyond him, and the game of “keep away” begins.

Sick Nerd continues to get sicker, Bam Bam is grouchy because he’s so stuffy he can’t breathe, and I develop a stabbing pain behind my left eye. I should mention at this point that I am on some medication for a skin condition that puts a little bit of stress on my liver. Therefore, cold medicine, NyQuil, or anything with Acetaminophen isn’t really in the cards. Just non-medicated suffering… sigh.

Although, doesn’t matter, because  I  AM  NOT  SICK.

I cannot give you a play by play of the entire weekend- it would be too much for you to bear. So hear are some quick highlights. Ready?…

Sick Nerd’s temp reaches 104.

Cool wash cloths, lukewarm bath, Tylenol.

He actually turns pale and won’t stop shivering. Begins to speak of dying…

Afraid it’s Swine Flu. Bam Bam keeps trying to get into bedroom to see Daddy (doorknobs are the perfect height).

Bam Bam is playing, crying, playing, whining, running, crying, crying, crying. Very snotty. Coughing incessantly. Molars coming in.

Dog food is not for toddlers. My son does not know this.

My head is spinning. Perhaps I will pass out.

Forgot to shower.

Forgot to brush teeth.

Sick Nerd must pay a visit to the ER. Yes, it’s Swine. Tamiflu time.

Swine Flu you are going down! You will not get me. You will not get my son.

Blue surgical masks. Hand Sanitizer. Play keep away with Bam Bam every ten minutes.

Put Bam Bam down for nap. Make soup for Sick Nerd. Call pediatrician because Bam Bam has been exposed.

Sit down to possibly eat soup. Hot Nerd sends text from bedroom- “come”.

Hot Nerd needs water. Feeling pukey.

Water for Nerd, washcloth, little bit of soup. Check temp. Not good.

Try again to sit and eat cold soup. No soup. Dogs have knocked it off the table and lapped it up.

Sit and cry one or two tears.

Make something else to eat. Son wakes up before I actually ingest anything.

Walk dogs. Take out trash. Go to grocery store.

Lug Groceries and toddler up two flights of stairs. Tell knees to stop buckling.

Have coughing fit. Cough so hard I pee my pants.

Change underwear.

Stand up AC unit has leaked water all over the carpet in son’s room. Sop it up with towels and pray it doesn’t mold.

Irrigate son’s nose. Suction, suction, suction. Bam Bam hates it and accidentally punches me in the nose.

Shove kleenex up nose to stop the bleeding.

Hack up something brown.

One of the dogs pukes all over the carpet. Too much soup.

I spent that evening sleeping on the living room couch so as not to be “infected”. I should say not sleeping. Too many noises, dreadfully uncomfortable, and I just can’t stop hacking. Besides, I am too busy stressing about whether or not I’m doing enough to make sure Bam Bam doesn’t get the Swine Flu. And I’m tied up in knots over seeing my big strong hubby turn blue and shivery and talk about dying. I should stay up anyway, in case he needs something, or in case Bam Bam starts a coughing fit and can’t breathe.

Who needs sleep? I obviously don’t, because next thing I know, it’s 6 AM and time to do the Swine  Flu, head cold, grouchy toddler, crazy dog dance all over again.

Good thing I’m not sick.

Over the course of the next two days I somehow, in a sleep deprived fog, nursed Sick Nerd back to health (okay, the Tamiflu helped). I wore my mask each time I went into the room. I sanitized my hands each time I came out. I checked his temperature at regular intervals. I tried to force water down his throat. I took Bam Bam to the pediatrician to have him checked. Breathed a sigh of relief when she diagnosed him with just a bad cold.

As I write this, it is Tuesday, and I finally feel that the weekend might be over. Hot Nerd has been fever free for 24 hrs and is starting to look hot again.

Now that we’ve kicked the Swine Flu’s ass– Maybe, just maybe…  I am a little sick. Maybe I can finally get some rest.

Except the disease- filled sheets need to be washed, and the dogs need to be walked, and the trash needs to go out.Plus workers are coming first thing in the morning to fix our central air system. Hot Nerd will probably go back to work tomorrow if he feels up to it. So I will be again alone… and sick…


I don’t think I can deny it much longer.

However, I am Swine Flu free. We all are now.

And I will keep this household together. People depend on me.

I’m superwoman.

At least for this weekend …

which is almost… almost over…



6 responses to “Longest weekend ever. aka- If the Swine Flu were a person, I would stab him in the eye.”

  1. You truly are Superwoman! I couldn’t have had your weekend without openly weeping in a puddle on the floor amongst the dog food and spilled soup.

    I’m glad you don’t have swine flu (I have serious phobia of our little piggie friend) as it sounds TERRIBLE.

    Moms are incredible.

  2. T says:

    Dang girl.

    Hope you feel better soon!

  3. Diora Baird says:

    OMG! The funniest, yet saddest blog ever! You better win that contest thingy macjiggy!

  4. Oh, you poor poor thing! That was truly a weekend from hell. I hope you are able to get some much needed rest (I know, not possible when you’re a mama, but a girl can dream, right?!) Take care of yourself!

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