Okay, this is a post that I wrote four years ago on an old Blogger site. I only posted for a few months, but it was a transitional time for me. I was in a very dark place, and rarely found joy or beauty in the world around me.
I thought it was poignant that I found this post about a beautiful spot in the Angeles National Forest. The Station Fire is at this moment destroying even more acres of land. It has been burning for days and the amount of forest destroyed right now is the size of the entire city of Chicago.
Monday, May 30, 2005
Old Tom Lucas
Old Tom Lucas Campground.
A spot I visited for the first time this weekend.
It’s a special weekend for me. The anniversary of the day I died, two years ago. I’ve been slowly coming back to life ever since. I wanted to celebrate… splurge…and somehow I let myself be talked into camping.
Yes, I am a first time backpacker, and a three-mile hike in, with heavy gear on my back, was rather tough.
I admit it- I lost it at one point, thought I couldn’t go on- cried a little.
A mean blister was stinging on my left foot, the pack was cutting off circulation to my arms, my left knee was throbbing and starting to swell, I had fallen on the rocks, and a bug was stuck in my eye. I thought, “Why the hell did I agree to do this? How is this enjoyable?”
My original plan to splurge over the weekend and get a full body massage seemed a helluva lot better.
“Okay, Jennifer- One foot in front of the other. Hop from boulder to boulder. Slide down, climb up. Don’t fall in the creek. Don’t fall over the edge of the cliff. Swat the bugs away. Walk, swat. Climb, swat.”
I found it helpful to utter curse words under my breath. And every time my boyfriend looked back and said “Come on!”, I imagined clocking him in the face.
My hands were cut up from the thorny brush. Just when I thought it was safe to pause and take a look at my cuts…WHAM!… a branch hits me in the face. I hear my boyfriend in the distance saying “Come on, we’re halfway there!”.
HALF- way??! HALF! Only HALF? That’s when the tears came.
I urge him to go on ahead so I can have a little breakdown, alone. Stopped on the narrow trail, with a mountain face on one side,and a fifty foot drop on the other- I look around, and just cry. I wipe my eyes with my hands, forgetting that they’re covered in bug spray.
Three minutes later, I’m ashamed of myself and decide to catch up to him. As I turn around a corner, with one eye squinted closed from the bug spray, I see him and the dog, patiently waiting.
It was time for a pow wow.
He wanted me to do this. To challenge myself. To feel alive. To know that I could do anything. To see the beauty around me and appreciate being alive.
I was very upset at him for thinking such crazy thoughts.
Two hours and my fourth wind later, we come upon a clearing, and a beautiful little campground. Fallen logs for sitting. A fire ring. A spot under a tree for a two person tent. And the creek rushing by it all. I may have been delirious, but I swear, the water talked to me.
“You made it. Rest. Enjoy. I am here for you.”
So I cop a squat on a log next to our lovely yellow lab that we borrowed from a friend for the trip. He looks up at me, his tail wagging, as if to say, “See..that wasn’t so hard. Let’s play.”
I look back at him, thinking, “Liar, it was hard…. but I’m okay.”
I toss a stick and he runs for it. My boyfriend begins hunting for and chopping wood- which I suprisingly find incredibly sexy. I walk over to the creek, take my shoes off and dip my tootsies in the ice cold water…OH YEAH… it’s good.
We make a fire and boil water for our dehydrated entrees. I’m starved. My beef stroganoff is quite tasty and Leo the lab seems to be enjoying his dog food just as much. We cuddle by the fire, sip wine and whiskey, look at the stars, and all of a sudden – this is one of the best experiences I’ve had in a very long while.
For a night, I’m not a nanny, not an actor, not a victim, just a human being…existing… surviving… with the trees, the owl, the coyotes, the lab, and the boyfriend.
We drink, make up songs, I dance around the fire, he pounds on a pot and howls at the moon…it’s remarkable. I jump and flail about- expelling my demons into the night.
I lost all sense of time, all sense of responsibility, all sense of civilization. I could live out here forever! Sounds cheezy to say, but the things I remember feeling were happiness… belonging… and love. Love for nature around me, and love for the marvelous man by my side.
We stumble to bed in our tent. Two happy humans and an even happier dog. The sounds of rushing water lulling us to sleep.
In the morning, I wake to find my man already making breakfast. I’m stinky, covered in dirt and bug spray… and feeling great. He tenderly wraps my blisters up in gauze and we pack up for the hike out. We fill our water bottles with chemically treated stream water, and strap our packs on.
Goodbye, Old Tom Lucas campsite. I know many have camped there before, but I somehow feel that it’s ours. Our own little spot in the mountains that absorbed my troubles for a while.
On the hike out, the wildflowers are in bloom, the mountains are majestic and I’m incredulous as to why I did not notice any of this the day before. Is this the same hike? Cause it sure is cool. I don’t think the trail changed overnight… so did I?
My boyfriend looks a little miserable… as he trails behind. I, however, am the mountain queen! His knee is now throbbing and he has blisters on his hands from chopping wood. His pack is much heavier than mine. I turn back with a smile on my face and yell “Come on!”. If he is muttering curse words under his breath, and imagining clocking me in the face… I forgive him.
Life is good. The world can be beautiful. It’s one more step out of the ashes for me.
A day later, we are back in civilization and our bodies feel like they’ve been hit by a truck. We’re delirious with fatigue, his knee is killing him, my shoulder feels dislocated, and I have a slight rash from all the bug spray.
Would I willingly put myself through that again??
I don’t see why not.
Yup, boyfriend is now Hot Nerd hubby. And I am still Queen of the Mountain.
The trees were so strong for me that weekend long ago. They bore the weight of my dark world at the time. They lifted my sorrow up into their branches and fed it to the wind to carry away. I don’t know if Hot Nerd ever knew how life changing that weekend was.
Unfortunately, the trees were not strong enough to withstand this horrible wildfire.
Old Tom Lucas is gone. Nothing but smoke and hot ash. I silently send my thanks into the universe that I was cradled in the arms of that spot for a short while.
May the fires end soon.
Thank you for your post… may the fires end soon.