My latest mail looks like this:
Red means stop. I know this, I promise you. This is also my first moving violation ever, in my entire life. The only thing I have to say for myself is that I wasn’t paying attention – which probably is not a good thing to admit when I was operating a 4500 lb moving vehicle. I can just see my court date now:
JUDGE: Are you aware that you made a left turn on red?
ME: Yes… I am now.
JUDGE: You don’t deny it?
ME: No, it’s too much work.
JUDGE: What do you have to say for yourself?
ME: I was sleepy.
JUDGE: Maybe you shouldn’t drive when you are so sleepy.
ME: Then I wouldn’t be here today, sir.
JUDGE: Were you sleeping at the wheel?
ME: No. But I was groggy… delirious, really. The infant… with the just getting over colic… no sleep… four months of no sleep… the preschooler… always with the waking at the 5 am… the pee pee… the pee pee in the bed and the waking up… and the nursing… nursing all the time… my boobs are -
JUDGE: I get it, you were tired.
ME: And distracted.
JUDGE: Distracted? What were you doing?
ME: Singing Where Is Thumbkin.
JUDGE: I’m afraid I’ll have to throw the book at you.
ME: I’m afraid I won’t catch it.
This doesn’t look good for me, friends. Sure, I thought about just denying it altogether, but those damn traffic cameras…
It’s settled. I need a chauffer.