Not a lesbian. Thanks for the sex hair.

There is a place.

A magical place, full of warmth, where the smells of citrus and jasmine waft over you.

A place where naked women sink slowly into steaming pools of relaxation.

A place called… Burke Williams.

I went there, not too long ago, for a much needed massage (after having to cancel and reschedule twice, because my life right now is a series of one crisis after another). Hot Nerd booked me for a 50 minute Swedish/shiatsu combo. I changed it to an 80 minute Pure Relaxation Swedish Deluxe. That’s just the kinda gal I am.

I was so ready to relax, that when I walked through those doors, I actually shed a tear. No, I’m not being dramatic (though, that wouldn’t be a first), I actually did cry a little. As soon as I entered the spa area, I made a very conscious decision to pay attention to my breathing… in… and out… slowly… deliberately… deeply…   I think I’ve actually been holding my breath for the past year and a half.

I took all my clothes off and donned the fluffy, white robe. I showered, using all the good-smelly stuff, and headed over to the hot spa pool. I admit, I had some butterflies in my stomach- my naked body is not what it was in it’s pre-baby days. It has been swallowed by something much bigger, much jigglier, and much wrinklier.

I tried my best to cast my inhibitions aside, and lowered my nakedness into the pool. I only had a few hours to do this whole spa thing, and I promised myself I wouldn’t stress out over relaxing.

Well, two minutes in that warm water, and I was as relaxed as a twenty year old perm.  My limbs felt all noodle like, and I was having a grand old time just “breathing”.  Another woman entered the pool. She was all curvy, and soft, and she lowered herself down the pool stairs in what seemed to be slow motion. She was just as naked as I, and held an apple in her left hand.  She bit into that apple so slowly and deliberately, that I stared at her in fascination. She looked like a queen. She was sooooo Eve in the Garden, that I immediately designated her the sexiest woman in the world.  The apple juice ran down her wrist, and I kid you not, she licked it. I took her lead and grabbed a piece of ice from the chill bucket and started rubbing it on my neck. Another woman got into the pool/hot tub wearing her swimsuit (alot of women do). She spent about one minute in the pool, looked at me, smiled, looked at “Eve”, smiled, and took her swimsuit top off.  She then promptly leaned her head back, closed her eyes, and sighed like she’d been holding that one in for years. I giggled, she giggled… we never spoke…it was the best time ever.

I had to force myself to get out because it was almost time for my massage. I regretted having to leave the pool- but only because I did not know the full magnitude of bliss that was awaiting me.

Her name was Baylee (Bai-lee). She led me, by the small of my back, to a warm room upstairs.  I’m not sure if I’m spelling her name right, so let’s just call her Miss Magic Hands Dipped in Warm Chocolate and Rum. Her strokes were so long and slow, and she made sure to lean forward in the beginning and whisper “How’s the pressure?”  I said, “a little bit harder”, and she delivered splendidly.

I was breathing slowly… and deliberately… and sighing quietly every now and then, so she would know she was hitting the right spots. In my head, though, I was chanting, ” I love you, I love you, I love you, Oh God! I love you. You are the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

Yes, yes, okay, I was very relaxed… so relaxed… that I was borderline… HORNY.  I say, borderline, because I’m not sure if I was actually turned on, or if it just felt sooooo good to be soooo relaxed that my endorphins were doing flip flops.

It was the longest, slowest, best massage I have ever had. The length of my calves… my inner thigh… little twisty/pullies on my toes.. And just when I thought it couldn’t get any better… she moved to my head.


Release… sweet release…

I had been holding so much stress, and I was so tightly wound, that as she gently stroked my head, and then not- so- gently tugged at the roots of my hair, I almost cried out in ecstasy.

No, I didn’t have an orgasm, you dirty birdies. But I might as well have.

After she whispered she was done, and floated me back to the changing room and my locker, I looked in the mirror:

Talk about a glow.

My cheeks were all a flush.

I had a slight glisten to my skin.

I couldn’t stop smiling.

And, oh my goodness, my hair looked freakin’ fantastic!

I had sex hair.

That scalp massage did the trick. I had the best sex hair I had ever had.


I felt special. I felt loved. I felt taken care of.

I didn’t shower, or brush my hair. I just put on my clothes, and glided on out of there. I felt like a queen, like a goddess, or like a pony- but in a good, prance- prance way.

It just made me think: you know, when women feel taken care of, adored, pampered- we really do shine.  Those women in that pool with me- I don’t know them, or what their lives are like, but at that moment in time, they were taking care of themselves, and they felt deserving of it, and they were the most beautiful things I’ve seen in a long time. And I gotta tell ya, walking out of that place, I felt like one of the most beautiful things too.

So, dudes, (or ladies, as the case may be) this is a hint for ya:

I’m not saying you have to get your significant other a spa day every week (although, don’t let me deter you from that). But, if you can just focus on melting away her troubles for a brief moment in time. If you can put your hands on her in a way that reminds her to focus on herself for a second or two (or 80 minutes)- you will be one happy camper.


Thank you, Burke Williams, and Miss Magic Hands Dipped in Chocolate and Rum. If I were a lesbian, I would marry you, and sprinkle you with gold dust… but, like I said… I’m not.

I love you, I love you, I love you, Oh God, I love you...

I love you, I love you, I love you, Oh God, I love you...

11 responses to “Not a lesbian. Thanks for the sex hair.”

  1. Sharni says:

    hahaha am I first commenter again. Woo-hoo. Love your story. I want one of those.

    • I tend to publish late at night, and you live in upside down Aussie land! Hence, you get a sneak peek, before the US peeps. That makes you super cool- now, go ride your Kanagaroo!

  2. LisaB says:

    I think sex hair is so under-rated and there should more of it. Then there would be more happy and relaxed mommies and wives. Dammit, I think I need sex hair now! 😉

    PS first visit and first comment to your site. Great insight today.
    My recent post Lessons Learned: Well, After Hours of Traffic School Hell, I've Learned My Lesson

  3. Aunt Becky says:

    That's awesome. Because the last time I got a massage, I couldn't WAIT for it to be over. It was just that annoying.

  4. Congrats on taking care of you…and the "sex hair" thing had me rolling. Seriously – good sex hair is hard to come by!

  5. pagan says:

    Super cute article! Relaxation is sooo completely underrated.

  6. Now that you mention it, I have a card for our local massage school that is loaded with 4 massages. Time to make a call… Thanks. So glad you took time for yourself. And, glad you shared with us.
    My recent post A Post in Pictures or How I Spent My Day

  7. omg, I need a trip to BW!

    sex hair…love it! LMAO
    My recent post I do not like white eggs with brown spots

  8. Misseyme says:

    fantastic. You know what? I have a gift card to a spa that was a gift for me for a "pre-wedding" massage… um, I've been married 4 years! Time to make a call.

  9. Danielle says:

    Holy Crapola! I need me a day at the spa!

    So excited that you found the Goddess in yourself and others. Yeah Hot Nerd for being an awesome Hubster.

    Now if I could only breathe away my laundry, a toddler with no intention of nappies and a house that seems as if Dorothy’s twister gave it a direct hit….

    BREATHING IN: 1,2,3,4…. EXHALING: 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8.

    Better but I want SEX HAIR too.

  10. I really like your article. It is very true to the women out there, that being taken care of and making them feel they’re important is a very big matter. I’m glad that you finally found out that you’re not a lesbian, thanks to that massage! Have a good start!

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