Where have I been?
Well, after pushing a baby out of my vagina without any medication, I learned that I did indeed split my pubic bone again. So, since then, I’ve been recuperating in the craziest, most stressful house known to man. But with all big trials comes great knowledge. Here’s some of the things I’ve learned this week.
- Sometimes Twitter is a good labor coach.
- “Transition” is a misleading name. “Holy Crap, If I Don’t Die I Will Kill All Of You” is much more apropos.
- Pubic bones are fickle. Be nice to yours. You never know when it could turn on you.
- Sleep is for the weak… or the extremely lucky.
- If you don’t brush your teeth for days, your jaw starts to hurt.
- Newborns sometimes sound like cats in heat.
- Even if you can’t walk, you can always stumble a few steps before falling to your knees to scoop one of your children up after he fell and caught himself with his face.
- Getting puked on five consecutive times doesn’t really register until your preschooler is no longer in pain.
- Some husbands get so discombobulated, that they leave their crippled wives on the floor, lying in vomit, to answer the phone… or put food in the microwave.
- Sometimes breast feeding advocates will reach for formula supplements when the doctor tells them their newborn is losing a dangerous amount of weight. Sometimes this breaks one’s heart.
- Sometimes friends really come through for you.
- Pooping is overrated, especially when you have lots of stitches.
- Pooping is underrated, especially when it finally turns to yellow in a newborns’ diaper.
- When you can’t walk your ass swells.
And perhaps the most important thing I’ve learned this week is:
- DO NOT take a hand mirror and look at your vagina days after giving birth.
PS- I am on drugs.