I watched him rub his morning time eyes as I felt his forehead.
He swore he was feeling better, and begged to go school.
The routine began.
I supervised the teeth brushing. I coached the dressing. I nursed the baby. I made the breakfast. I packed the lunch. I fed the baby. I loaded the car. I did the drop off.
I returned in time to wipe poop, sing lullabies, and send the youngest to nap land.
I sat in the living room and paused. The date had not escaped me. Should I do something to celebrate? In honor?
I sat. I breathed in. I breathed out.
Something smelled putrid.
I got to my knees and began scrubbing the vomit smell out of my carpet from whatever was ailing my son the day before.
I stripped the couch cushion of its puke stained cover.
I fed the dogs.
I answered some emails.
Then the baby woke up.
***
My day continued in ordinary fashion – busy with the mundane.
Yesterday marked an anniversary of sorts for me. Nine years ago, something happened that veered my life in a direction that no human is ever prepared to go. It was in some ways, a death. Since then, on the 29th of May, I have chosen every year to do something that makes me feel alive. Sometimes it is a trip to an amusement park and too many rides on a roller coaster… other years it has been pampering at a day spa. It has been a way to celebrate the fact that I didn’t die that day. It has also been an attempt to erase the bad attached to that date.
This year I feel strangely at peace with not celebrating this anniversary. It almost slipped my mind. I’m sure it slipped my husband’s.
It signifies a sort of absorption.
It is not forgotten.
It is not aggrandized.
It is not defied.
It is not denied.
It simply is…
and for me…
there is a freedom in that.
I am shocked by what happened. Thinking of you.
Lady Jennie recently posted..Young Lady’s Prayer
Oh, Jennie – for you to get the the place in healing where the date just “is” – that is amazing work you’ve done. I am amazed by you. The freedom you’ve found in this realization must be truly exhilarating. Freedom in itself is celebrating your life.
I am so proud of you! I am proud of your strength. I am proud of your growth. I am proud of your healing.
I am beyond the moon that you have reached a place of being with this anniversary. Your mindfulness is a great teacher.
I love you!
Though we do not know each other except through the Internet, I want to send love and hugs your way and thank you for sharing your story and healing journey with others.
Pamela recently posted..Expect to Not Know “What To Expect When You’re Expecting”
I have no words, but I will just say, I’m thinking of you.
Heather recently posted..Four Kids, Two Parents and a Walt Disney World Vacation – Let’s Do This Again
Much love, as always. Tonight, I celebrate your strength and peace.
xo Jenni.
Alison@Mama Wants This recently posted..Wordless Wednesday: Toddler ‘Tude
Jenni–So glad you’re in this world to share your stories and your strength….the good, the bad and the funny. I was also raped in college and 6 years later attacked by 3 masked men in a robbery in front of my apartment in Uptown over Memorial Day weekend. I fought back during the 3 on 1 attack and maced one, but was cut in 3 places by a big, curved, serrated hunting knife one of them pulled on me before they ran. It took me a long time to be able to sleep at night and to regain my freedom to walk the streets without looking over my shoulder….heart racing. I woke at the slightest noise and couldn’t stop replaying the attack in my mind and playing the what if game. Often it ended with me dead with my throat slit or another mortal wound….or getting home earlier and missing them entirely (I had my key in the lock). The attack undoubtedly changed my life. I will always carry the defensive wound scars from where they cut my wrist, arm and hand. I moved to a new place, rearranged my life, and took a long time to feel safe again.
I didn’t speak of the rape in 88 for years and finally got some closure when I told my story in the course of answering some live, anonymous survey questions in a university study. I then made a t-shirt that traveled the country as part of a rape awareness project, which let me feel like I was letting go and making something positive of the aftermath of a bad incident at the same time. It was far better than keeping it bottled up inside….a toxic secret.
After the knife attack/robbery in 94, I wrote about the attack and prepped it for a theatre show as catharsis. In the final dress, I cut that part of the show, as it was still too wrenching and painful to share with an auditorium full of strangers, but the act of creating art from the pain was healing nonetheless. *Jenni was actually in that show reading some of my other works
.
Rape, violence and attacks against women are traumatic and unacceptable and all too common. Our words are our weapons and when we break the silence we give strength to others through sharing our experience, and stop other victims from feeling like they have to forget, get over it, or hide the traumatic things that have changed us. Memorial Day Monday forever marks the knife attack anniversary for me, but with time the anxiety I used to feel on that date has changed to a steely resolve to make the world a kinder and gentler place for my own kids. I teach my kids the strength, knowledge and street skills to take care of themselves and be wary, but not live their lives from a place of fear, but to celebrate love, life and the good and beauty in the world. I teach my children to respect the boundaries of others and that no means no, and there’s little justification for ANY form of violence against others. I’m politically active in my community and beyond, to make sure that society takes safety and equality seriously.
Time doesn’t heal all wounds but sometimes like fire on steel, it makes us stronger.
Thanks again for being you….not perfect just right!!
B
ChiIL Mama recently posted..ChiIL Out With ChiIL Mama at Do Division This Fri-Sun
You are not only an amazing and strong woman, but an excellent writer as well. Thank you for sharing what most can’t and doing it in a way that touches and helps others. I am in awe of you!
Elena recently posted..The Debate Over Implementing Solar Power In Your Home
Sigh, big deep from the burrows of my insides, sigh. I have to admit I am constantly surprised when I read that this happened to someone else. Is it perhaps self centered of me to think that I could not “know” anyone who had this happen to them? That I would somehow be alone in that terror? Because this kind of stuff can’t happen to people I know. It shouldn’t have happened to me, it can’t happen to you. This happens to other people, right?
I’m sorry that it happened to you. I am glad that you nurture her. I’m glad that you were able to go through a year with almost forgetting. I have before. On the day. Forgotten. But then I’ll remember. You always remember.
xoxo
Marta recently posted..Sun. Sand. Summer.
Yes – never forgotten…
But perhaps somehow assimilated.
*hug*, my sister.
I can’t even imagine what it has taken for you to get to this place. You are a strong, strong woman. And really brave for sharing your stories. Thank you.
Jennifer Cullen recently posted..Next Week In Jerusalem
This is strength and courage. A bittersweet remembrance that honors your journey and your inner wonder woman. Thank you for sharing this part of you!
I was a teen when it happened. I hope my girls never know the shame and the horror. I fear for them every day. Otherwise, I too, have assimilated the experience.