How does one let go of their dreams?
Are we supposed to?
I was living mine.
And now I’m not.
When I was little, I never once thought, “When I grow up I wanna be a maid. I wanna cook and clean and do other people’s laundry.”
There are people out there that like to clean. It’s true. They like to organize, and make things shine, and stand back to look at how pretty and clean they’ve made everything.
I am not one of those people.
There are people who love to cook. They make things from scratch, love trying new recipes, and take pride in their meal creations.
I am not one of those people.
I don’t know anyone who loves laundry.
Now I’m a big girl and I know that these are things that need to be done, and people do them all the time, all over the world. But to me, these things are chores. And since I’ve become a stay at home mom, my life is beginning to feel like an endless amount of chores.
Did you know that hundreds of people used to applaud me every night on stage?
As a very little girl, I knew what I wanted to be when I grew up… and I did it.
Before I got pregnant, I was an actor. And I don’t mean the kind of actor that just walks around Los Angeles with a headshot, or that dresses up like batman in front of Grauman’s Chinese Theatre. I mean a “working actor”.
People paid me to be in movies. People paid me to be on TV.
I was one of those rare, lucky people that was actually doing what they dreamed of doing when they were seven years old. I wasn’t famous by any stretch of the imagination- not even an over active imagination. But I was doing what I loved. What I always dreamed I would do.
Until I got pregnant.
Which we were trying to do.
Then everything changed.
My husband and I both come from situations where we feel we weren’t protected as much as we should’ve been as children. Not because we had bad parents, in fact- my mother is my saving grace. But because they had to work. Because food and clothes and good schools… these things don’t come for free.
But my husband and I made a deal.
We agreed, that while our children are still very young, their care would not be entrusted to strangers. And with no family, or many friends in the area, that means mommy or daddy.
And since my husband works full time and goes to school full time…
that means just me.
And now we want to expand our family.
So that means at least another couple years at home for me.
I know a lot of families don’t have the luxury of having a parent stay home. I know we are lucky that by scrimping and living a simple life, even in the most expensive city in the country, we are able to make it happen.
The joy I experience raising my son can’t be measured. But the thing that used to feed my soul is gone.
Is it possible for one’s heart to grow bigger while one’s soul shrivels?
I chose this.
I wanted a family.
I wanted to nurse full time, and be the primary caretaker. I agreed to do whatever it took to be the one who raises, shapes, nurtures, and protects my children.
And the human being my son is becoming has me in awe almost every day.
When I grow up…
I wanna be the best mother I can be.
And if I could just forget about that dream of doing what I loved- I would be happy.
First off…I love ya. ANd I love your honesty and openness…like you KNOW what others need to hear!! I wanted to be get my PhD and work in a lab (I’m a nerd). That was my plan….and we got pregnant…very, very young. My life has never been the same. I’ve embraced it and now love it. But sometimes I get angry or sad for what I feel I’ve lost. Selfish? Probably. But it’s the truth!
Crystal recently posted..Sweet Valley High
Oh, honey. I am right there with you. Or rather, I’ve been there. The acting, the purposeful babies. Now the full-time job. Finding the balance is actually impossible. And I’m still trying to keep the dream alive. Sometimes I feel like a crazy thirty-year-old woman with a really important hobby. Just because we chose it does not make it any easier.
Lee @ RevsinAbs recently posted..How I interpret the xkcd- Future Timeline
I am in the same boat. And I used to LOVE cleaning. Because I had more time to do it properly. And less shit to clean up (little boys are just dirty, right?). While I wouldn’t trade this SAHM role for the world, and we are also hoping for a second, I do really miss the scene of going to work every day. Interacting with adults. Feeling like someone besides a maid.
The Sweetest recently posted..Hmph!
Being home full time can be amazing. I know many mothers who would not and could not do it any other way. I only managed a year of it and truly admire SAHMs who don’t crack the way I did. I truly cracked and when I think about it too much I am totally embarrassed that I couldn’t hack it without a daily breakdown. I worry about my children not feeling like they get enough from me and try hard to make the time I am home their time. I still fail a lot. But, I also know that this is how I’m wired and accept it. I’m still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. I love hearing about other women who knew and were able to live it, even for a short time. You’ll get it again!
I’m sure the “daily breakdown” happens in five times as many households as we think- but not everyone is as open about it as you.
And good for you for knowing how you’re wired and chosing a step toward happiness. A happy mom raises happy children.
When I grow up…
I wanna be the best mother I can be.
That line totally made me smile all big & geeky.
Alexandria recently posted..Teen Mom Castoff
Here’s to hoping that dream comes true for both of us, lady.
I hear you! I bet you were/still are an amazing actor. I’m sure once Bam Bam and baby numero two are older (look at me being presumptuous, baby 2 isn’t even here yet) you can go back to acting. Regardless, I completely understand how you feel, and just today, I was lamenting about how I wanted to be a famous writer when I was a little girl. Now, I am famous for cleaning poop.
Old School/New School Mom recently posted..The Department of Vital Records Strikes Again
If people appreciated poop cleaners more- we would be stars, baby!
STARS! Rich & famous stars!!!
xx
Lady Estrogen recently posted..Introducing Flashback Friday
Word!
Old School/New School Mom recently posted..Please Refrain From Flash Photography
She is hands down one of the best actors I’ve worked with!
Danielle Mari recently posted..NaPoWriMo 22- Maria Mama McCray
Jenni,
You will have the best of both of your worlds.(*no Hannah Montana pun intended) I promise you that.You really are too amazing not to. This time, that feels like forever, is really fleeting and soon Bam and any other additions that you may have will be older and you will be in a place where you can add your dreams back to the front burner. There is nothing wrong with wanting to have your dreams. Being a mother is a fantastically wonderful honor that comes with an endless list of chores. But this micromanaging part of it, it goes by quick. Try to enjoy the now.Take lots of deep breaths and drink in the little guys smallness and wonderment.Your past and future will reconcile themselves and you will have ALL the things that you want and deserve in life.It will just take a little time.My dream is to write. It always has been. I had my girls. Through the journaling of my pregnancy, I was reminded of that passion. And my girls are 3 and 6, I’ve been blogging for almost 2 years and I just now feel like I am starting to pursue my dream…to be fulfilled and happy with trying to exhaust my potential. You will be in a place where you are able to pursue your passions again and you will have your beautiful family to celebrate your successes with and the success will be that much sweeter. OK, sorry about the book I just wrote….I should have just emailed!Don’t forget…YOU ARE FUCKING AMAZING!I said so….and I don’t lie!XO
Truthful Mommy recently posted..Pour Your Heart OutThe Night the World Stood Still
“Is it possible for one’s heart to grow bigger while one’s soul shrivels?”
That line really spoke to me, Jenni.
There is an essential part of us that goes on…hiatus, maybe, when we are immersed in the day-to-days of raising our children. I just have to believe there are moments each day where my soul IS being nourished, just not in the way I expected.
I will be near retirement age by the time my baby is 18 – I need to keep my soul alive.
Thank you.
That line is really the whole post.
I’ve never felt so fulfilled and disatisfied, busy and bored, needed and misplaced at the same time.
Oh- perhaps I will edit the post and put that in there…
As always, you write in such a way that everyone who reads it just wants to reach through the screen and hug you. Ok, maybe just me. I could totally relate to every single sentence (except for the actor part haha).
That line “When I grow up….I wanna be the best mother I can be”? Me too, Jenni. Me too.
Alison@Mama Wants This recently posted..Writers Workshop- Something students these days should know
I hear ya, and I have just started work part-time after making the same promise, appreciate the now, I wish I could continue it full-time , for now
Sharni recently posted..Spectacularly Green – Our Next Chapter
I can’t tell you how much this post spoke to me! I was (and maybe will return to it one day) a working stage manager in NYC. The job had headaches but I loved working in the arts so much and I didn’t realize how much it fed my soul until I stopped. I pretty much had to give up working on shows as soon as I got pregnant. Who wants a 7 month pregnant ASM trying to clean up stage blood, or trying to be as quiet as possible backstage when you’re carrying an extra 25 lbs. around?
I can’t believe how exhilarated and bored I am at the same time being a parent.
So again, thanks for the post and know you are not alone in missing your old life.
Here’s to us finding some balance and “soul food” some time soon.