Sleep Training Smackdown!

Sometimes mommy forums really tick me off.

First of all, most mommy forums exist as a source of support.  So, think twice before you post a judgemental, holier than thou, uneducated reply for all to see.

I was on Circle Of Moms today reading a thread started by a mother having a terrible time getting her 9 month old to sleep well. The thread was littered with helpful and not so helpful advice about reading this book or trying that method. For the most part, moms were saying “Here’s what helped me – hope it helps you”.

Except for one mom whom I will call Dumb Judgy Lady. I do not feel bad calling her this because -BE NOT ALL JUDGY LEST YE BE PREPARED TO BE JUDGED - or something.

Dumb Judgy Lady was very against any kind of “sleep training” and said she was appalled at the other mothers who had let their kids “cry it out” and had great success with it. She called it lazy parenting and went on to mention a study with baby monkeys.

I can only assume she was referring to some of the Harry Harlow experiments where baby monkeys form attachments to cloth, soft fake mommies with no food instead of wire mesh, fake mommies that have food.  Babies are tactile and need comfort, maybe even more than food. Another experiment ends in the death of a baby monkey that is left alone for weeks with no physical contact whatsoever.

Now, I find her reference to these experiments completely irrelevant. These experiments were done over extended periods of time and teaching your child to sleep in no way suggests that babies don’t need lots of affection. In fact, it promotes lots of tactile affection, hugs, kisses, and physical play during wakeful periods.  Leaving your child alone at sleep time helps them learn the difference.

Further more, sleep training is not suggested for newborns. Newborn babies need to be attended to promptly at any hour of the day or night. My son was colicky and we practiced Kangaroo Care for the first four months of his life.

Sleep training can be started at around five or six months of age. By the time my son reached that age, he was over his colic, but being held all the time gave him no self soothing skills. I am lucky enough to have a friend that is a child psychologist who specializes in infant/child sleep counseling.  Yes, we did controlled crying with him, yes it was hard, and yes it was completely worth it! At 6 months old my son was waking every two hours through the night to nurse and having erratic naps throughout the day. Now at one year he has two good naps a day and sleeps from 7 pm to 6:30 am straight through!

Not all babies need sleep training. Some develop good sleep habits early and end up sleeping through the night on their own.  Yes, babies cry when they need something. The thing is, they think they need you in order to fall asleep!

“Crying it out” or “controlled crying” is not lazy parenting. Lazy parenting would be letting a sleep problem persist because it’s just easier than solving the problem. Sleep is so incredibly crucial to the development of young brains and as parents we need to protect our  childs’ right to sleep.

Sleep training is not about letting your child cry all the time. It’s about establishing a routine, making the sleep environment dark, safe, and comfortable, and always tending to all of your childs’ needs. I repeat NEEDS.

The suggestion that eventually all babies will naturally learn to fall asleep and stay asleep by themselves is just not true. Some babies may (lucky to be you), and some may not. It takes a smart parent to recognize the problem and solve it. No one wants to end up with kids who throw tantrums before bed or refuse to sleep in their own beds like on those lovely nanny television shows.

Some babies may also naturally learn to brush their teeth. Some may naturally learn to wipe their asses. But if my son doesn’t magically know how to do these things … well, I’m his mother and I will step up to the plate and teach him how.

So, Dumb Judgy Lady, who is so appalled at other parents trying to teach their kids to fall asleep on their own: What are you gonna do when your toddler cries because she doesn’t want to brush her teeth? When she cries because she doesn’t want to take a bath? Or when she refuses to fall asleep without you at nine years old, because you were too lazy to teach her she could do it on her own?

I’ll tell you what you”re gonna do:

You’re gonna give me a call, and I’m gonna help you sleep train your girl so she can get the rest she needs and so can you.  And I will try to refrain from calling you lazy and I certainly will not tell you how appalled I am at your parenting style.

I will however, still call you Dumb Judgy Lady.

Thank you, and good night.