He doesn’t know what Star Wars is, but he’s over the moon for his lunch box.

It was his first day at a new school – a montessori pre-school. We’ve made sacrifices so he could go to this school.  He deserves this school.

It was my first time making a lunch for him to bring. I sleepily made an organic peanut butter and raspberry preserve sandwich.  He’s never been a sandwich eater, but I cut the crust off.  I cut the crust off because that’s what good moms do.  Kids don’t like crust, right?

But what if he wants the crust?  What if he doesn’t eat the sandwich at all?  What if he goes hungry?  What if the crust is the most nutritious part of the bread, and I’m cheating my son out of essential nutrients?

And suddenly everything felt foreign.

I paused.

I wondered how I got to this particular place?

I wondered how I lost myself in the crust…

And I felt resentful.

I missed my career.

I missed having a moment of peace now and then.

I missed taking a daily shower.

I missed being witty, and vivacious.

I missed my body.

I missed doing things for myself.

Then I packed his lunch and took him to the school that I wish I could go back in time for and attend myself.

He did wonderfully.

The teacher said he took to the montessori structure immediately.

He said it was a “most wonderful sandwich”.

I squeezed him, and wiped a tear away with my thumb.

**

At this moment, I sit here writing this in the late hours of the evening.  The house is asleep, and as exhausted as I am, I’ve chosen to stay up after a 3 am breast feeding session and stroke the keys…

Because I miss you.

Because I miss me.

My dinner is still sitting in my belly, as it was eaten after everyone had gone to bed.  It was cold and made hours before, but a fussy baby demanded my attention for hours on end.

Today was my son’s second day at school.  He asked if he was going to have a sandwich again, and jumped up and down when I aid yes.

I had a day of attempting to “work from home”, and have a meeting while my second born pooped out the side of his diaper and on to my shirt .  I had a day of mostly nursing, bouncing, and swaying.  I had a day that passed in a daze.

I look back on it now, and wonder again how I got here.

I wonder if I will always be here.

But mostly, I wonder why during my brief moment of nourishment today…

Why I made myself a sandwich…

and why I cut the crust off.

I love the crust.