Probiotics and fiber – because my in-laws are coming.

Hot Father and Hot Mother in-law are coming into town for Bam Bam’s fourth birthday this weekend.  They are the awesomest in-laws a lady could ask for, but do you remember that other time they were in town when my insides rebelled?  Despite the fact that Hot Nerd did the most romantic thing on the planet on that occasion, I think I’m still scarred.

My stomach has some kind of weird muscle memory when they are around, and goes all topsy turvy.  Or maybe it’s a desperate attempt to pull another romantic gesture out of my husband.

Either way, I’ve been upping my dose of probiotics and fiber, people.  I’m getting my digestive tract in tip top shape for this visit.  So far, all it’s done is create a gas ball the size of a house in my gut.  I’m sure the stress of planning this birthday party isn’t helping, but I haven’t lost hope.

Truth be told, I’ve had too much yeast in my gut for a while now, so the in-laws are not completely guilty of causing irregular bodily functions.

I’m sure the birthday party will be fantastic – kids love birthdays, and are probably much easier to please than we think.  I just hope I don’t let the gas ball out at the party amidst thirty to forty people.

If I do, I’m totally blaming it on the baby.

 

 

Awkward. Shameful? Necessary.

Usually awkward, sometimes shameful, and almost always necessary.

  • Taking a crap on your toilet while your toddler plays drums on your knees.
  • Politely asking your hubby to remove his head from your lap, because you’re about to fart.
  • Sitting just to the left of the obvious cum stain on your friend’s couch.
  • Saying penis over and over again every time your son points to it asking what it is.
  • Accidentally farting really loud in the grocery store and blaming it on your toddler. “Oh, honey. Good one! Excuse you.”
  • Picking your child’s nose in public because that boogey was driving you crazy. Realizing you now have a boogey on your hand, and flicking it  when no one is looking.  (Come on, be honest.)
  • Taking a shower with your toddler and being unable to stop him from  peeing on your foot.
  • Sneezing in the middle of the night, and wiping your snot on the sheets because you’re just too tired to get out of bed.

Nothing like getting married and having kids to send propriety packing. Nothing is sacred.

Got one?

Oh please do share.