I’m straddling a fence.  Not on an issue or hot topic – but a fence that dictates a frame of mind.

It’s my outlook fence.

It’s high, hard to climb, kind of splintery, and all this straddling is starting to hurt my groin.

I’ve been sitting here… leaning toward one side… then the other… for a good year now.

I straddle the line between being happy for blog friends who get good paying gigs, and being insanely jealous.

I stare enviously at young teenage girls who are all shiny, instead of being glad I don’t have to deal with the daily heartbreak and drama of that age.

I think briefly how lucky that person with the handicap placard is in the parking lot, and then remember to be glad that I’ve never had reason to get one.

I lust after the lives of actors that I’ve worked with years ago who are now famous and successful.  I often forget that they’ve worked hard, been through a lot, and really deserve it.  I chose to put my career on hold to concentrate on having a family.  I should be happy that I am successfully raising, and adding to that family.

I curse having a hard pregnancy, but then remember to be grateful that I’m fertile, and we make big, fat, healthy babies.

I’m angry at my husband for not being around when I need him.  Then I remember he’s off trying to do better, be better, and provide for us.

I hate how expensive everything is where we live.  But I love living in Los Angeles.

I want to be short.  I want to be a little, petite woman, who gets to wear gorgeous high heels and not look like a giant.  Then I’m happy I’ve never had to hem a pair of pants.

I hate cooking, but it’s my job to keep my family healthy.  Then I try a new recipe… and I still hate cooking.

I know the things I should be grateful for.  I see them from where I sit… here on my fence.  But I also see the other side, and sometimes I look at that side first.

I’ve always been good at seeing both sides of an argument, and getting a clear view of the good and bad of a situation.

But I don’t like my outlook fence.

It’s a battle with myself.

I’m tired of teetering between a good and bad mind set.

So, if one of you could just come along and knock me over to one side, I’d appreciate it.

Preferably someone with a good right hook…

Because I know what side I’d like to be on…

I’m just having a hard time getting there.