“See, there was this trampoline…”

That’s what he said to me, when I learned Hot Nerd would be coming home from his “boys trip” early- with a torn ACL in his knee, and a broken ankle. I picked up my broken man from the airport with our nap-less toddler in the backseat, and we headed straight to the orthopedic specialist. Then the next day MRI, and a follow up appointment.

Yes, there will be surgery, but not for a few weeks.

Then there will be rehab.

The doctor estimates full functionality in his leg in about one year.

For now, he is completely off his right leg. I drive him to work, and pick him up.  I help him get his clothes in the morning, and I try my damnedest to keep Bam Bam from jumping all over him, begging for daddy to pick him up. We haven’t figured out yet what to do about his classes, as he is also going to grad school.

I also have work to do on Sundays, and I very much enjoy leaving the house to go do it. We have no family nearby, and I can’t leave our son with Hot Nerd, as he is completely incapable of caring for him right now.

It seems to me, that the big bowling ball of life just keeps knocking us over.

2010 has not been good to us. If you’re a regular reader here, then you know what I mean.

And this is going to be unbelievably difficult for us. A couple days ago, I truly didn’t know what to do, how we were going to function, and how I personally was going to cope.

I actually felt so overwhelmed, I thought I might pick up random objects and start smashing things. I didn’t know what to do with all the anger and frustration.

And smacking Hot Nerd on the back of the head for taking this trip in the first place, would’ve made me feel better for only a second.

Looking up at the sky, shaking my fist, and screaming “Why God??” never really helped me before, so I skipped it this time.

Then, I had an epiphany…

at my local grocery store.

I was there to pick up Vicodin, some milk, and a few things for dinner. It was already eight o’clock, because I had to feed my son, put him to bed, and get Hot Nerd settled onto the couch before I could leave the house.

I was hungry…

and tired from not sleeping the night before.

And there was a big pile of pudding on the floor in one of the aisles.

Yup, vanilla pudding. Someone had knocked it over, or dropped it – I don’t know. But I stepped over it on my way to the milk.

Then, another woman walked briskly by me. She seemed deep in thought, and for a brief second I thought, “She doesn’t know about the pudding. What if she steps in it?”. I actually took a breath to tell her about it, but then… didn’t. I guess I was just too exhausted, in a hurry, didn’t want to bother her, etc.

She stepped right in it.

And she slid.

And she fell…

hard.

She was physically alright, but looked horrified.

I cannot explain the overwhelming guilt I felt at that moment.

It would’ve taken me all of two seconds to point out the pudding.

It’s not that I’m not a nice person. It’s that I was too involved with my own shit at that moment.

Okay, I’m also a little scared of human interaction at times. Because even when you’re nice, it involves sharing space with someone for a second, and what if they’re not nice back, or they ARE and extremely chatty?

I was out for myself at that moment. I wanted to get what I needed, and get home as fast as I could.

In truth, being nice sometimes makes me uncomfortable…

because I’m afraid the person (the world) won’t appreciate it.

And honestly, sometimes they don’t. Sometimes when you’re kind to someone, they almost can’t believe it. It’s uncomfortable for them too.

I have an extreme sense of self preservation, which a lot of times conflicts with being self-less.

And being kind- truly kind to someone, means giving up something. It could be your time, effort, money, objects, your words… something. And the thought of “giving up” more than I already have… makes me uncomfortable.

“My life blows, why should I be nice to you?”

I am selfish.

I decided in the car on the way home that it needed to change.

Because that is how I am going to get through this current challenge. It’s going to take a lot of sacrifice, and I’m gonna fucking be kind about it! Or I’m really gonna try. I’m gonna give until it feels extremely unpleasant.

Because we’ve made it through tough times before. We’ve picked ourselves up by the boot straps, we’ve focused on the future, we’ve told ourselves it’s only gonna get better, and we’ve tried tried tried so hard to seal ourselves off from any more “bad”….

and I’m kinda tired.

The only thing I haven’t tried, is that for every bad, hard, challenge life throws at me…

to turn around and BE KIND.

To throw kindness in it’s mother f*cking face.

I am declaring myself to be…  in a state of UNCOMFORTABLE KINDNESS.

That means with my family… and with strangers.

I’m going to start practicing random acts of kindness.

I started off by driving home, giving my husband lots of kisses, and pretending to not be able to open a jar, so he could feel useful.

Okay, so that didn’t make me feel uncomfortable at all, and I probably would’ve done that regardless of any epiphany- but you gotta start somewhere.

And tomorrow, I’m sure there will be plenty of opportunity to make myself uncomfortable.

PS-  To the lady at the grocery store:

I’m very sorry I didn’t tell you about the pudding.