A lot of times, by the end of the day, I am just so tired of my kids.

Really?  They’re still so little and cute.  Neither of them are over five… I mean, don’t get tired of them yet – they’ll be around for a long time.  Besides, you love them, right?

Of course I love them.  I also love ice cream… but if ice cream is shoved in my face for twelve hours straight, I sure as hell may get tired of it.

Well, ice cream is a treat – one that has way too much sugar anyway.  No one gets an ice cream cone thinking that cone is going to last them the rest of their lives.  I’m pretty sure you knew kids were going to be a lifetime commitment before you had them.

Well, ‘meow meow hiss hiss’.  I just mean it’s hard to never have a break.  Don’t you want a break sometimes?  Don’t you need to breathe?

My children are a part of me.  That would be like wanting a break from my left arm.

Sounds okay to me.  My left arm is a nuisance.  I have this almost-frozen-shoulder thing, and a tennis elbow thing going on from holding a kid on my left hip for the PAST FOUR YEARS.

But someday they will be too big to hold…

Admit it – you wish you could piss without a little person staring at you!

Well, that’s how they eventually learn to go to the potty-

A SHOWER!  I know you want a stinking shower by yourself – or at least one that lasts longer than two minutes.  What about everyday – don’t you miss being able to shower EVERY DAY?

Actually, I’m lucky I don’t perspire that much…

Come on!

My kid’s needs have to come first.  They can’t take care of themselves right now.  A little bit of a smelly armpit is a small price to pay.

Well aren’t you mother of the year.

God willing… Look, I understand your frustration.  I’ve heard things get much easier when your youngest is over five.

I’ve heard that too.  Yes, they are adorable, precious, innocent, and whimsical.  They are also irritatingly hard.

Motherhood is all about sacrifice.

I sometimes feel that I’ve sacrificed so much that I’ve lost myself.  I’ve sacrificed my whole being.  Do you ever feel like that?

Of course I’ve lost myself.

What?

That’s what being a good mother is about.  Haven’t you heard the phrase “living for your kids”.  I live to nourish them, teach them, keep them safe… I am their survival…

Okay, okay… yes, of course… kind of…but isn’t a happy mom a better mom?

Well, I suppose it depends on what kind of parent you want to be.

*side eye* What does that mean?

There are parents who will do whatever it takes to raise their children right, and there are those who are… well… lazy… or in your case, maybe just a little bit… selfish…

Selfish!  Who are you to judge…

If you’re getting this upset, it might be because something I’ve said rings true for you.

Bitch, all this condescension and farting of fake rainbows needs to stop.

Clearly this conversation is done.  I’m going to go sit in the lotus position and nurse my baby girl while whispering affirmations in her ear.

Go!  I’m going to run and nurse my baby while I’m on the toilet taking a crap, because neither can wait and I like to be efficient with my time!

Namaste.

Liar.

 

At least 75% of the above argument was had between me and myself.

I won.