Sometimes people ask me for advice.  I don’t know why this happens, as I am an expert on absolutely nothing.  I am, however, almost always right – just  my cross to bear.

Below are parts of an email I received from a reader and am reprinting with permission (and changes to protect their identities), followed by my response.  I am interested as to what some of you might have to say on this one.

I am writing for your opinion as a veteran blogger. I have had something eating at me for over a year and I’d like your advice. My husband Josh and I had a friend Dennis. He and Josh have known each other since high school. Josh thought of him like a brother. He is married to Jillian. She was 18 when they met and wanted nothing more than to please Dennis. Dennis treats her like shit. He verbally abuses her and loves to humiliate her. We have watched this go on for years, but stayed out of it because he was like this before they got married and before they had kids, so Jillian knew what she was getting into.

    A year ago, a bunch of us went to a hockey game. Jillian was not with us. Dennis drank way too much and started saying some awful shit… taking jabs at our marriage. Everyone in the car was trying to get Dennis to back off, but that made him even angrier. We got out of the car finally, and I tried to walk away. But Dennis kept at me. Then it all came out. Dennis said it was trash like me that is polluting these United States (I am East Indian) and he is sick of carrying the burden so low class immigrants like my family can sponge off of America (my dad was a neurosurgeon and my mom a very successful realtor and I was born here). Then he said Josh and I are what is wrong with this world- choosing to bring half breeds into this world. After he brought up my children, Josh took him out.

    Dennis went home with 2 black eyes, a fat lip, and a torn shirt. Jillian never asked what happened. Our other friends tried to tell her what Dennis said, but she didn’t want to hear it.  Jillian has this blog. And that’s where you come in. Jillian blogs every day about her loving, caring, and supportive husband. She blogs about her perfect life.  I read her blog and get so angry. I wish I could stop reading it, but in some sick way, I hope someday she’ll spill it about her real life. She has almost 10,000 followers. They are following a lie. I want to expose her life for what it is and who her husband is. I want to scream from the rooftop that this man is a racist and an abuser. He called my beautiful boys half breeds. He called them garbage. I have never hated someone. I mean I’ve said it before, but this is true hate.

    What would you do?

Let me say this:

I have no fucking idea what I would do.  Unless I am in your shoes… feeling the heat and the sting of those words against my family, I cannot for sure say how I would react.  I will, however, tell you what I hope I would do.

I would first and foremost vow from this point forward to refer to Dennis as “Douche” – it seems a bit more on the money.

It sounds like you may have already done so, but I would make sure Douche has no contact with my husband or my family.

As much as I understand your desire to scream from the rooftops that Jillian’s painting of Douche is a lie… I wouldn’t do it – at least not publicly.  Part of me thinks you might have been hoping I would give you permission to tell the whole internet that he’s a racist donkey ball sucker, and to troll Jillian’s blog and facebook page to let her readers know it’s all make believe.  I’m sure it’s extra unnerving that she has gained some amount of popularity… popularity earned with lies.  It’s unfortunate that so many bloggers are not really what they seem.  Most people read personal blogs for the humanity… for the honesty.  I do believe there is an “honor code” among serious bloggers and an integrity in even our most vulnerable moments.  It’s a shame that some bloggers don’t hold that same belief.

That being said, there is something you may or may not have considered.  It sounds like Jillian is in an abusive relationship.  One of the hallmarks of abuse is one partner having way too much control over the other’s life – ie., what friends they keep, where they go, and even perhaps what they write.  It could be possible that Douche reads every single blog post she writes, and she paints a pretty picture because it makes him happy and less likely to treat her badly.  It could even be possible that he tells her what to write and what not to write.

Sure, it could also be true that she writes a bunch of lies because she wishes that’s what her life were really like and wants to look and sound good, even if to a bunch of strangers.  She could also be delusional.  The tricky part is there is no way of knowing for sure, and the last thing you want to be is the whistle blower that gets Douche exceptionally angry and Jillian or someone else hurt.

If she were somewhat of a friend, I would hope I would be brave enough to tell her her husband is an ass, and that I would be there for her if she ever wanted to get away from him.  Then I would have to cut ties to make sure my children were not around that kind of hate.

I am not tolerant of intolerance.  I understand your need to shout from the rooftops that he is wrong and evil.  If it weren’t for the tiniest chance that Jillian could bear the brunt of it, I’d be inclined to tell you to do it.

PS –  Your family is beautiful…

and it couldn’t hurt to send Jillian a Hefty bag in the mail.  Douche is the real trash.