Toddler brains- fried.

The following post takes place in about a minute and a half.

 

Sweetheart, do you need more snack?  Would you like a biscuit?  Or raisins?

 

OOOh, if I put my foot here, and then fold myself in half while winking each eye simultaneously, everything looks really cool.  And it’s the doggie! She runs so fast from me.  Where’s my cookie?  I think I’ll eat my fingernail. A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O.

“Momma! I’m upside down!”

*spin spin spin spin spin spin spin spin giggle spin spin spin spin spin fall down*

What’s this on the table?  Whoa, I’m dizzy.  I’m gonna throw it.  That’s cool.  Let’s throw it again.  Throwing is the best. Thing . Ever.  Where did the doggie go?

Where did my train go?  What’s that on my foot?  What’s that on the floor? I think I’ll eat it. Crunchy.  Where’s my basketball? I need mommy to make a hoop with her arms.  I NEED mommy to make a hoop with her arms.  I NEED MOMMY TO MAKE A HOOP WITH HER ARMS.  Oh a feather.  I think I’ll blow it.  Ha ha!  Look at t hat.  I can blow it far.  Let’s blow it across the floor!  Where did my pants go?  Did I just take my pants off?  Who took my pants?  It’s the other doggie!  I don’t need this silly shirt if I’m not even wearing pants.  That sticker looks like a circle.  Circle.  Circle.  My arm is stuck.  I hate this shirt.

*spin spin spin spin spin spin giggle spin spin fall down*

Who needs arms?  Arms are dumb.  But feet are cool.  I love my feet.  Ack! Something’s in my eye!  What’s in my eye?  It’s itchy!  Ack!  It’s the scariest thing ever!  It’s going to eat my eye!  My eye!  My eye!  Hey, there are my pants.

Did you hear me, baby?  Would you like a biscuit?  Or raisins?

Why is the world such an awful place?

“WWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!”

*****

My son is a monkey on acid.

He has decided he no longer takes naps.  He’s always been a champion sleeper, and quite frankly is just one of those kids that needs it.

He will be three in a few months, and I am well aware that at his age he should still be napping in the afternoon.  He hasn’t napped in weeks, and his brain is starting to short circuit.

So is mine.

Send help ASAP.

The Show Must Go On.

Today’s post is a guest post at The Chronicles of Sharnia.

Sharni Montgomery is a slightly crazy (in the best ways) Aussie Mum, who invited me to be a guest blogger on her burgeoning site. I live in Los Angeles, she lives in a town with one horse- it’s like kismet.
Knowing my background as an actor, she asked me to write a post about how parenting is like acting… I know, crazy, right?
Well, maybe not so much….

check it out here- THE SHOW MUST GO ON.

actor_comedy_190082

– seriously

Leaving…

yearning…

the door

the front door

the knob taunts me from afar

the toddler wrestles me

earth shattering cries…

cries, cries, cries of socks

where’s the letter Z?

the letter Z will help

goodnight, goodnight, a thousand times goodnight moon

shoe on the foot

shoe in the mouth

Q in the shoe

hand in the toilet

the quest

the never ending quest

to leave on time

i pant

i gasp

i plead

i laugh

clock ticks

fingers poke

puke falls…

and the number 7 is in the way

Awkward. Shameful? Necessary.

Usually awkward, sometimes shameful, and almost always necessary.

  • Taking a crap on your toilet while your toddler plays drums on your knees.
  • Politely asking your hubby to remove his head from your lap, because you’re about to fart.
  • Sitting just to the left of the obvious cum stain on your friend’s couch.
  • Saying penis over and over again every time your son points to it asking what it is.
  • Accidentally farting really loud in the grocery store and blaming it on your toddler. “Oh, honey. Good one! Excuse you.”
  • Picking your child’s nose in public because that boogey was driving you crazy. Realizing you now have a boogey on your hand, and flicking it  when no one is looking.  (Come on, be honest.)
  • Taking a shower with your toddler and being unable to stop him from  peeing on your foot.
  • Sneezing in the middle of the night, and wiping your snot on the sheets because you’re just too tired to get out of bed.

Nothing like getting married and having kids to send propriety packing. Nothing is sacred.

Got one?

Oh please do share.

If your kid gets my kid sick, I’ll kick your butt.

P6190132Toddlers are snotty. They can’t blow their noses, and they like to smear their boogers all over their faces. Parents- curb your kids’ snot as much as possible. And if your little one is sick- KEEP THEM AT HOME. Or at least away from places where tons of kids gather- come on, people!

I took my one year old to story time at a local book store the other day. We had our little snack cup filled with cheerios and my son was watching the story teller in awe.

Another little boy, I’d say about two years old, comes over and sticks his hands into our cheerios.  Now, every toddler loves cheerios and normally it wouldn’t have been a big deal, as I’m sure the mother would’ve been right behind him apologizing and busting out her own snack cup of cheerios. However, on this particular occasion, the child had just sneezed and had green snot coming out of his nose. He then smeared it with the back of his hand before sticking it into our germ free snack cup.

I looked over at his mom and saw her sitting there, across the room, smiling and shaking her head as if to say, “That little cutie of mine, look at him being so nice and sharing his mucous with that poor snot-less child”.

So I took the little creature’s hand out of my sons’ snack, looked over at his mom and said, ” No thank you. No thank you. No thank you.”  I didn’t know what else to say. I wanted to be polite, but the momma tiger in me was starting to growl.

Snotty kids’ mom came over and got him, without so much as a cursory glance at me, and they settled themselves across the room.

And nope, she did not wipe his nose.

Now, today, my son has a cough and a very runny nose. I am, of course, upset because he has managed to remain healthy for the entire first year of his life. There is no way to know if he caught something from the story time incident, but I feel like being mad at someone.

So, snotty kids’ mom – I’m coming for you. I would like to find out where you live. I would like to go and get myself strep throat, and then come to your house and lick your silverware.

And let this be a gentle reminder to parents out there. If your toddler is sick, keep them at home. Don’t go toting them around God’s green earth and force them to play with other kids. Because if your kid gets my kid sick, I’ll kick your butt.

- seriously