If my phlegm doesn’t kill me, my spotty reception will.

posted on 04/24/2013 by 6 Comments

 

When I am on the phone, the last thing I want to do is have someone on the other end hear me pee in the bathroom.  However, because I had been transferred and on hold for fifteen minutes – I had to chance it.  Apparently, self-diagnosed bronchitis makes you cough up a lung and almost drown in your own phlegm.  That’s why I refused to hang up and call back after peeing.  I was serious about getting an appointment with my doctor.

I also knew on some level that the best way to not be on hold anymore was to do something that would make it inconvenient to have an actual conversation with someone.  I was sure that the minute I started peeing, someone would finally pick up on the other line.

I was right.

Of course I did not flush.  I wouldn’t want to solidify the nurse’s suspicion of what I may have been doing.

My toddler began screaming to be set free from his highchair, and I obliged while confirming with the nurse that I did not feel faint or have any pain in my chest.

She missed half of what I was saying and I spent the next two minutes walking around the house saying, “Can you hear me now?  Can you hear me?”

When I finally found a pocket of good reception, I was trapped.  If I wanted to keep this call going and eventually get my ass in to see my doctor, I could not move from the 3 foot by 3 foot square in front of my bedroom window.

My toddler sensed this…

naturally he bolted to the other side of the house.

I began to follow, but  almost immediately the woman on the other end started  saying, “I can’t hear you again. Please try again…”

So I shouted, “NO! I’m here! Can you hear me now?”

And I stayed in my pocket…

and I answered a series of questions…

and I was told there were no appointments today or tomorrow.

As she was telling me about going to Urgent Care if needed, I heard splahing.

I hung up…

and I ran…

to find my toddler throwing toilet water in the air…

from the toilet I didn’t flush.

So that’s all I have to tell you today.

There will be no thought provoking blog post…

just me drowning in my own phlegm,

with no doctor’s appointment,

and a kid who just played in my pee.

 

jenni chiu sig

posted in Life tagged with , , , , 6 Comments

Toddler brains- fried.

posted on 03/11/2011 by 11 Comments

The following post takes place in about a minute and a half.

 

Sweetheart, do you need more snack?  Would you like a biscuit?  Or raisins?

 

OOOh, if I put my foot here, and then fold myself in half while winking each eye simultaneously, everything looks really cool.  And it’s the doggie! She runs so fast from me.  Where’s my cookie?  I think I’ll eat my fingernail. A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O.

“Momma! I’m upside down!”

*spin spin spin spin spin spin spin spin giggle spin spin spin spin spin fall down*

What’s this on the table?  Whoa, I’m dizzy.  I’m gonna throw it.  That’s cool.  Let’s throw it again.  Throwing is the best. Thing . Ever.  Where did the doggie go?

Where did my train go?  What’s that on my foot?  What’s that on the floor? I think I’ll eat it. Crunchy.  Where’s my basketball? I need mommy to make a hoop with her arms.  I NEED mommy to make a hoop with her arms.  I NEED MOMMY TO MAKE A HOOP WITH HER ARMS.  Oh a feather.  I think I’ll blow it.  Ha ha!  Look at t hat.  I can blow it far.  Let’s blow it across the floor!  Where did my pants go?  Did I just take my pants off?  Who took my pants?  It’s the other doggie!  I don’t need this silly shirt if I’m not even wearing pants.  That sticker looks like a circle.  Circle.  Circle.  My arm is stuck.  I hate this shirt.

*spin spin spin spin spin spin giggle spin spin fall down*

Who needs arms?  Arms are dumb.  But feet are cool.  I love my feet.  Ack! Something’s in my eye!  What’s in my eye?  It’s itchy!  Ack!  It’s the scariest thing ever!  It’s going to eat my eye!  My eye!  My eye!  Hey, there are my pants.

Did you hear me, baby?  Would you like a biscuit?  Or raisins?

Why is the world such an awful place?

“WWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!”

*****

My son is a monkey on acid.

He has decided he no longer takes naps.  He’s always been a champion sleeper, and quite frankly is just one of those kids that needs it.

He will be three in a few months, and I am well aware that at his age he should still be napping in the afternoon.  He hasn’t napped in weeks, and his brain is starting to short circuit.

So is mine.

Send help ASAP.

posted in From The Kids, Life, Like you care tagged with , , 11 Comments

The Show Must Go On.

posted on 12/04/2009 by 2 Comments

Today’s post is a guest post at The Chronicles of Sharnia.

Sharni Montgomery is a slightly crazy (in the best ways) Aussie Mum, who invited me to be a guest blogger on her burgeoning site. I live in Los Angeles, she lives in a town with one horse- it’s like kismet.
Knowing my background as an actor, she asked me to write a post about how parenting is like acting… I know, crazy, right?
Well, maybe not so much….

check it out here- THE SHOW MUST GO ON.

actor_comedy_190082

– seriously

posted in Uncategorized tagged with , , , 2 Comments

Leaving…

posted on 11/03/2009 by Leave a Comment

yearning…

the door

the front door

the knob taunts me from afar

the toddler wrestles me

earth shattering cries…

cries, cries, cries of socks

where’s the letter Z?

the letter Z will help

goodnight, goodnight, a thousand times goodnight moon

shoe on the foot

shoe in the mouth

Q in the shoe

hand in the toilet

the quest

the never ending quest

to leave on time

i pant

i gasp

i plead

i laugh

clock ticks

fingers poke

puke falls…

and the number 7 is in the way

posted in Immediate Poetry tagged with , , , Leave a Comment

Awkward. Shameful? Necessary.

posted on 09/11/2009 by 4 Comments

Usually awkward, sometimes shameful, and almost always necessary.

  • Taking a crap on your toilet while your toddler plays drums on your knees.
  • Politely asking your hubby to remove his head from your lap, because you’re about to fart.
  • Sitting just to the left of the obvious cum stain on your friend’s couch.
  • Saying penis over and over again every time your son points to it asking what it is.
  • Accidentally farting really loud in the grocery store and blaming it on your toddler. “Oh, honey. Good one! Excuse you.”
  • Picking your child’s nose in public because that boogey was driving you crazy. Realizing you now have a boogey on your hand, and flicking it  when no one is looking.  (Come on, be honest.)
  • Taking a shower with your toddler and being unable to stop him from  peeing on your foot.
  • Sneezing in the middle of the night, and wiping your snot on the sheets because you’re just too tired to get out of bed.

Nothing like getting married and having kids to send propriety packing. Nothing is sacred.

Got one?

Oh please do share.

posted in Life, Top 10 Lists (or 8 or 9) tagged with , , 4 Comments
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